Even when I was staying in the present, behaving like an adult, folding laundry or doing dishes, the phone would ring and my first thought would be that it was Lynn. Each time this happened, I would feel a stabbing pain in the empty place inside where she should have been.
The sense of being misunderstood, The constant feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away, the anger at any small chore I had to complete, I recognized that these were all remnants of my adolescent years and not something from the present moment. Knowing that did not mean I could stop feeling what I was feeling. It only made me angrier at myself for being so out of control.
Email to C:
ugh
I've given up on going to my writer's group sat. I’m not writing anything, and it's just too stressful to think about it right now. I have a refrigerator full of food I need to toss -all leftovers from last week because I haven't cooked anything in a week. I have to go to the store and do laundry and I have two kids home sick today. This is all getting pretty overwhelming, and the worst of it is I don’t want to do anything.
What a long, long day.
C heard my distress and offered me another appointment. I took it, and then did what I always did: relentlessly beat myself up for needing another appointment.
I felt like a complete failure for not being able to handle my own life. Nothing she could say could alleviate this shame and self-hatred. I remember my husband telling me that going to multiple appointments in a week only meant I was moving through it faster. Most likely, I rolled my eyes at him, thinking, how can you possibly understand what is going on inside me? I was fully entrenched in the adolescent side of me that was pushing its way through.
I see a huge difference in how I dealt with things a year ago and how I am able to handle things now. I am learning that worrying about the “shoulds” of the past or the future is pointless.Email from C:
You said you have two kids home sick, today......your inner kids are feeling "sick" also. Try to be as gentle with them as you are with your physical children.
Here is something I came across today, it made me think of you.
Today's thought from Hazelden is:I wish I hadn't lost track of the guys I was stationed with. I kick myself for that. -- Tom Harding
We all have regrets, don't we? Some of us left jobs or spouses or neighborhoods only to wish we hadn't. Perhaps we closed the door on our family of origin and then felt grief when parents or siblings died. More commonly we regret the instances when our mean spirited behavior or attitude hurt someone else. We weren't always honest and forthright; we didn't always try to help a friend or co-worker who needed our advice. We simply didn't put our best self forward when the opportunities for doing so presented themselves.Dwelling on the shoulds" of past years is fruitless. We did the best we knew how to do at the time. The past is gone. Let's quit digging up the bones of old regrettable experiences. All they do is cloud our minds when we're trying to respond to today's opportunities.I won't have anything to regret tomorrow if I respond to today with my best self.
From the book:
Keepers of The Wisdom Daily Meditations: Reflections From Lives Well Lived
By Karen Casey
See you tomorrow at 3:30
Through therapy (DNMS, grief and anger work, art and journaling,) I am learning to physically and mentally stay in the present.
Through the program of Codependence Anonymous (meetings, literature, fellowship and step work,) I am learning to live in the present.
Both aspects of my recovery are equally important.
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6 comments:
Shen first off, love the new layout. Deep royal blue!
You have a lot to offer dear one. Staying in the present is hard for many. Just hugs go out!!!
Thank you JBR
The "Oh what if's" are hard. I think it is harder with those who have great imagination. They can see what might have been. Of coarse they can not see what might have been only what they wished happened.
Fine line between grieving a loss and reliving the past.
I feel there is a difference when you do not know your past. I am not living in the past I am dealing with a past of which I did not know.
Michael, I know it's hard to live in the present without a past to balance everything out. There are pieces I always remembered, some memories that I've only recently become acquainted with again and some parts of my past that may never come to light. It is hard, but it's also just how it's always been and so, I guess we are stronger for it because here we are, surviving.
i'm so glad you're feeling better than last year at this time. living in the moment is so hard. it's what i've been working on lately as well.
and how timely that you included information about a daily meditation resource. i've been looking for good ones and just wrote about that last night. thanks for sharing this. that is a great passage C sent you.
as for beating up on yourself for needing another session, i was just thinking last night how great it is that C will make time for you to come in additionally when you need it, and how great it is that you take care of yourself and use those extra sessions she makes available to you. i think it's a sign of your strength not weakness that you reach out when you need it.
MMM, the daily meditations from Hazelden are fantastic. You can get them sent to your email every day (as I do). Some of them lean towards alcoholism recovery, but many of them are extremely helpful to me.
I also keep the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie in my room, and read one of those each day. I find these kinds of meditations take me outside of myself and help me see the bigger picture.
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