tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69446987967678740002012-01-05T21:44:01.516-06:00Finding Freedom from Codependency, Depression and DissociationShenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.comBlogger5131100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-22784320081802344712012-01-04T13:58:00.001-06:002012-01-04T14:01:25.873-06:00

As I begin to write my memoir in earnest, I am going back, trying to remember when I first became aware of my dissociative tendencies. There are a few, clear episodes from age nine, and this is one of them: I am nine years old. I’ve been summoned by my father. He holds court at the kitchen table, the remains of his lunch surrounding him on half-a-dozen dishes. I try to catch Mom’s eye as she

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-5264987347335296402011-12-14T09:23:00.002-06:002011-12-14T09:23:15.824-06:00

An indecisive messenger Delivers unintelligiblyA pounding, crucial melodyThe opposite of clarityA turn, a stop, a quick look backAt costly held securityAnd up aheadNo clear way throughA path lost in obscurity IntensityDisparity The Journey’s strange polarityThe drone of time supplanted byA new refrain’s sincerity

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-64477317768777452582011-11-22T11:52:00.007-06:002011-11-22T12:36:34.671-06:00

In a breath, I’m there.  I’m wearing the striped jumper with the uneven hem. The teacher stands at the front of the room, her blue eye shadow raccooning her eyes. I’m too fascinated with her long, red nails to be bothered by the squeak of chalk against black board. We are to write a poem, she says. We are to write it from the perspective of an animal. I pull my yellow pencil from between my

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-87494568379490115552011-11-19T14:59:00.002-06:002011-11-19T15:02:30.692-06:00

   My life is an orange – not a tiny tangerine or a misshapen clementine with its peal practically sloughing off on its own. Oh no, mine is one of those large and thick-skinned varieties. For most of my life, I turned this orange over in my hand, studying its nearly impenetrable peel with a sense of hopelessness. I studied the bumpy surface, searching for any accessible point of entry. At the

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-20389248145376379112011-11-18T11:56:00.000-06:002011-11-18T11:56:41.193-06:00

Do the leaves that lie broken in a falling snow know that Spring will follow? To me, the shift from night to day and back again, the phases of the moon, and the continuous cycle of seasons are like a promise of what awaits us, beyond this world. Like the buds on a new branch, we see only the snow, the spring, and the leaves that we bring forth. We watch as our creations grow and change, their

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-91345903959695386282011-11-12T10:27:00.000-06:002011-11-12T10:27:10.215-06:00

My oldest child – a married daughter of twenty-three – recently said of my new-found spiritual acceptance, “People start looking for God when they get older because they’re afraid of death.” I smiled. I told her, as I’ve said many times, “I’ve been where you are, but you have yet to be where I am.”She returned my smile – and it is my smile, from the slight down-turn at the corners of her mouth to

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-51748610566018797162011-11-11T14:25:00.000-06:002011-11-11T14:25:52.494-06:00

Tonight, I'm going to a special event, held by some people who go to my church, inspired by the date: 11-11-11. I love this susper-spiritual group! One woman set it up, and one of the men volunteered his home. We will be sharing a meal, meditating, and something special is planned for 11:11 pm. I'm very excited! The only down side is that it is over an hour away, which means I'll be driving home

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-71817001481854630352011-11-09T15:59:00.000-06:002011-11-09T15:59:45.256-06:00

I’m not feeling well today, but I don’t want to forego my commitment to writing at least a little something every day. Since you are safe from contamination, maybe it's okay to share a little bit about this virus-of-opposites. One minute I'm sweating, the next I'm freezing. My head is full, as if preparing for a cold, while my empty stomach is giving the bum’s rush to anything I put in it. That's

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-1990179052870190832011-11-08T08:58:00.002-06:002011-11-08T09:00:30.373-06:00

I've been avoiding writing of all kinds, with the exception of journaling. In an attempt to get back to sharing in the arena from which I've always received the greatest of satisfaction, I'm going to commit to posting something every day. For now, these may be short posts - thoughts as they come up. It's a start. Today's thought: One of the most commonly believed misconceptions is that we are

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-6202414254588396292011-10-24T20:37:00.000-05:002011-10-24T20:37:27.851-05:00

Big things have been happening... and it's very hard for me to write them as they happen. I know I've been away a lot, for some time, but it's necessary for me, right now.  I just want to share a hard won revelation I came to today: In order to accept people as they are in the present, we have to let go of who we wanted them to be, in the past.  I'm going out of town on Thursday, and I hope

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-33960645087274057852011-10-19T11:52:00.001-05:002011-10-19T11:52:55.461-05:00

Journal, 10-19-11 I’m unsure where to start, what to ask. Start with feelings… I feel Worried Sad but also optimistic – two separate parts, two separate feelings A kind of wanting, longing… for Connection Purpose Love Purpose is an interesting one. Where does that come from? A feeling of failure, as if I’m not making the most of my time, my life – that’s pervasive, constantly there, and

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-41981256824206541522011-10-13T11:20:00.000-05:002011-10-13T11:20:23.422-05:00

I stood under a full moon, two nights ago, with my husband. The gap between us seemed unbridgable. He came to me, and hugged me, and I breathed him in with the warm night air of an autumn midnight. I felt everything coming full circle. Sometimes I have no idea what to do. Maybe then it's time to wait, to be patient. Sometimes I know exactly what to do, and it feels impossible. Maybe then it's

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-69941498522899426212011-10-12T17:18:00.001-05:002011-10-12T19:44:57.384-05:00

I've been away from blogland quite a bit lately. When I'm going through something in the present, it seems to be very difficult to communicate it, to share it openly, until I've resolved the problem. This is not a problem that is going to be resolved anytime soon, but I'm going to try and put down what's going on right now. One thing I've learned in CoDA is that when there is an issue that's

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-27808633207843899982011-10-11T12:24:00.000-05:002011-10-11T12:24:34.358-05:00

While envisioning a positive outcome may seem right, defining any outcome as positive is not really my job. Only God knows what outcome leads to the greater good. Instead of this kind of metaphysical belief, I've considered the idea of praying only for “God’s will," but that seems to imply that God is somehow going to be swayed by my humble wishes –as if God would not move forward unless I ask

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-32374492785052717762011-10-08T15:28:00.000-05:002011-10-08T15:28:29.693-05:00

I walk in a nearby wood, surrounded by the rich, full color of autumn and perfect “Indian Summer” weather. Recently, a friend of mine told me about a question her five-year-old grandson  asked. "Do the trees know what color their leaves are gonna' be?” I smile at the innocent wisdom and wonder, too.  Does a tree miss its green newness as its leaves shift to crimson, orange or ochre and then

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-38619046279088690162011-10-05T12:59:00.001-05:002011-10-05T13:05:43.619-05:00

Going nearly three weeks between therapy appointments was a stretch for me. With C on another continent, the miles between us seeemed like a rift in me, personally. I couldn't look at it for long, for fear of falling into it. Regardless, I did okay while she was gone. I made it through, as it seems I always can, and I did it with less upset and dramatics than I would have been able to manage in

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-62001342056498148902011-10-02T21:33:00.002-05:002011-10-03T09:46:38.636-05:00

As eleven-year-old Vera walks home from school, she passes a convenience store in which all kinds of candy is sold. Assuming a casual attitude, she strolls down the candy aisle. Stealthily waiting until the clerk behind the counter is busy, she slips a candy bar into the pocket of her coat. Hands in pockets, she heads out the door without a backward glance. A few days go by before she is once

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-24604497507412667272011-09-27T11:00:00.001-05:002011-09-27T11:12:26.355-05:00

Last night's Journal: It was such a hard day, and it was me that made it hard. I walked away from myself. I refused to even look at any of the tools I could have used to move out of the darkness. I wallowed in it. The longer I let it go, the uglier it seemed. Distraction became more and more difficult and more and more necessary. There was no way to look at what I needed – even basic needs like

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-45359369380568827622011-09-23T12:44:00.000-05:002011-09-23T12:44:09.217-05:00

Created in Photoshop, using drawn images.

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-86614742952739727312011-09-22T14:22:00.000-05:002011-09-22T14:22:48.733-05:00

Last night’s journal Osho cards for 9-21-11 Issue card: Creativity     Major Arcana III Major Arcana  = Key to Life Lessons. • “Whatsoever you do, do it joyfully.” • “The important thing is to be open to what wants to be expressed through you.” • “True creativity arises from a union with the Divine.” I love the word “joyful.” I would like to be able to feel joy in all things. Maybe, when I

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-57086218380048985092011-09-20T13:59:00.001-05:002011-09-20T14:06:53.327-05:00

As I’ve written before, I draw Osho cards quite regularly. I find that reading tarot – especially these beautiful cards – helps me find the guidance I’m looking for. For weeks I've been drawing cards which all point in one direction. Last night’s reading was particularly strong. I did my meditation last night the same way I've been doing it for some time. I sat on the floor, eyes closed,

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-50796471759253729422011-09-18T17:18:00.000-05:002011-09-18T17:18:17.202-05:00

Created this afternoon using drawn images in photoshop I'm trying to find the beauty in the darkness.

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-46162053605630035762011-09-15T22:36:00.000-05:002011-09-15T22:36:16.164-05:00

I've been putting off thinking about this for as long as I can, but now it is upon me. C is leaving town and I'm having such a hard time. She's not just leaving town, she is going to China, for two weeks. I saw her today and now it will be two and a half weeks until I see her. I have never gone that long without seeing her, not in almost four years I've been seeing her. And, I mean, I never call

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-9400408404381978052011-09-15T11:08:00.002-05:002011-09-15T11:16:41.862-05:00

Although I’d been away from home for less than forty hours, I fell easily into what seemed like routine on that final morning of the retreat. I woke without an alarm, feeling rested and ready for what the day would bring. I wrote a short journal entry, which I finished with, “Focus: Connection.” There was time before breakfast, so I finished the drawing I’d been working on, here and there

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-13259697754558957282011-09-14T10:49:00.003-05:002011-09-14T10:52:19.763-05:00

I've been coming to some very important realizations in the last few weeks. I will finish writing my retreat piece and I will make an attempt to explain all that's been going on in my head - but not quite yet. Things are just beginning to come together... For now, I want to post something I wrote this morning, which sums up my struggle to understand the word humility: Our soul's journey is a

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-14840138331929527182011-09-11T19:02:00.000-05:002011-09-11T19:02:04.705-05:00

I've been going through some stuff (so what else is new, right?) and have been having a hard time getting myself to finish writing this retreat piece. I believe this part holds some very interesting and important pieces to my personal puzzle. This post is a long one - it was going to be two posts because it is really two distinct stories about my retreat experience. I've waited so long that I

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-58373389819328871152011-09-08T16:05:00.004-05:002011-09-08T19:46:12.152-05:00

Saturday, I woke up without an alarm. I hadn’t set one. I knew there was a sunrise walk at 6:30 and meditation from seven until eight, and if I had awakened in time I would have done those things, but I felt that sleep was just as important. It felt like such a luxury, to be able to sleep. The previous year, I’d been in that same building but in an entirely different frame of mind. I don’t

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-89577144467305481762011-09-05T13:43:00.027-05:002011-09-05T13:56:22.515-05:00

I found myself unable to stay in the moment, in those days before I left for the CoDA retreat. Instead I jumped back and forth between what happened at last year's retreat and what I expected this year's to be like. My mind ran through a slide show of faces and places from the previous year: The very tall light-skinned woman of African descent with the big smile and searching eyes The shooting

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-88666571664122739142011-09-02T12:34:00.002-05:002011-09-02T12:41:13.077-05:00

I’m heading to a CoDA retreat, this afternoon. I went to this two-night retreat last year, over Labor Day weekend. It was a good experience, but wow can I see growth since then. I wrote about that experience in these three posts: coda-retreat-part-one coda-retreat-part-two coda-retreat-final-chapter Only days before I left for that retreat, another round of memories from my distant past

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-74687499890512269082011-09-01T11:21:00.001-05:002011-09-02T12:15:36.723-05:00

And so its hereSeptember Change The swing from late nights and lazy mornings to an early, bleary-eyed cup-of-coffee in slow-but- rushing traffic, halted by school buses and the ever-present orange cones declaring seasonal repairs not yet finished. This shift isn't immediately obvious as I look out from my air-conditioned family-room to the sun soaked-deck and the hazy summer sky. The trees are

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-42189364406365619972011-08-24T13:01:00.000-05:002011-08-24T13:01:31.715-05:00

 Yesterday, Shang and I left San Francisco at  9:00 am, and drove 450 miles south, taking the well-known Pacific Coast Highway - AKA Highway 1. The road took us through several National Forests and State Parks. We drove up, down and through the foggy mountain passes. I pulled off onto turn-outs many times - both to enjoy the view and to allow faster traffic to pass. I

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-26490311838804280652011-08-21T23:08:00.001-05:002011-08-22T10:44:16.925-05:00

(Whooohooo - made it to post number 500! It feels like an important achievement. ) I heard a quote from Mark Twain, today: "The coldest winter I ever had was the Summer in San Francisco." That may have been a bit of an exageration, but it is surprisingly cool, here. The high was only about 62 in the city, (although it was a little warmer forty miles south where my niece lives) and when we were

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-54265787237596073352011-08-21T13:25:00.001-05:002011-08-21T13:25:50.943-05:00

For over a year, Shang – a Chinese exchange student - has been living with us. She’ll be with us for another year. It’s an unusual situation in that she did not come through a sanctioned exchange program. Her story is exceptional; her short history has already wound around curves and over hurdles more intense than many of us ever traverse. She has lived away from her family since she was thirteen

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-3383747053844338542011-08-19T16:32:00.001-05:002011-08-20T00:16:57.069-05:00

Not only are others having a hard time leaving comments on my blog, even I am "not allowed"! When I try to leave a comment I get the following message: Your current account does not have access to view this page. What the heck??? If anyone knows how to resolve this issue, please let me know via email. shenison@gmail.com Thank you!

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-41306431750834380122011-08-18T21:54:00.000-05:002011-08-18T21:54:47.646-05:00

Saturday I leave for CA. I'm going for ten days, with the exchange student who lives with us, as her escort while she looks at colleges on the west coast. We'll get the chance to drive down the whole coast, see some of my family, and hit a couple tourist attractions while we're there. I'm excited about the trip, but I have so many emotions running through me right now that it's hard to pin down

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-66786051137650013122011-08-16T12:58:00.000-05:002011-08-16T12:58:39.523-05:00

Do you feel it coming? Change is imminent. It’s the cool breeze on an otherwise hot August day. It’s the colorful ripeness of harvest. It’s the sale sign in department stores overstocked with backpacks and loose-leaf paper; trendy jeans and sports gear; this-year’s-Disney lunch boxes and impossibly slim calculators with incongruously thick instruction books. Chicago has only two seasons –

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-91840184881132405922011-08-14T16:40:00.000-05:002011-08-14T16:40:21.722-05:00

I feel very lucky to be who I am, today… to be where I am in my life. My son will be turning nineteen soon, and my mother recently said to me, “I would love to be nineteen again.” I thought about what she said, and realized I have no desire to be nineteen – or twenty-nine, or even thirty-nine – again. Youth has its advantages, but so does maturity. Each decade of my life has been better than

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-1868441123025093152011-08-10T11:34:00.004-05:002011-08-10T13:29:44.246-05:00

If you want to get the most out of your twelve-step-program, become a Sponsor. Last night, I met with one of my Sponsees after a CoDA meeting. On the phone, she’d said she has some questions about step eight, and from her tone I gathered that she was struggling with something. We settled into the old-but-comfortable couch in a back room of the Alano Club where we our meetings are held. I noted

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-68514856293344558862011-08-09T11:47:00.002-05:002011-08-09T11:47:33.638-05:00

Three of the blogs I've followed for a while won't let me comment... I'm not sure why. It says my "current google account does not have access." I haven't been in these for a while, but it did work last time I tried. Anyway... I will give it another shot tomorrow. If anyone has made their blog private, let me know.

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-9705019485902302812011-08-08T12:23:00.000-05:002011-08-08T12:23:08.603-05:00

My sister left late Saturday evening. Having my sister here is always taxing. I love her and want to see her, but when she's here, my parents are constantly around. They want to see her, while she's in town, and so it ends up being a time of dealing with my father and the toxic dynamics I remember from my childhood. Ten days of talking to him every day and spending hours with him most days is

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-57626676037435730382011-08-04T09:53:00.000-05:002011-08-04T09:53:42.201-05:00

All things considered, the past week has gone okay. I’ve had some stress – that’s undeniable – but overall I’ve done better than any other time when my sister is in town. This is pretty remarkable considering my sister’s visit coincided with my therapist being out-of-town.I love my sister, and I love spending time with her and with my kids and most of the time, even with my mom. The issue (of

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-87820704853324329532011-07-30T12:19:00.001-05:002011-07-30T12:26:09.031-05:00

On Wednesday night, my sister arrived. She's staying with me for ten days. Somehow we've stayed very close despite the two-thousand miles that separate her house from mine. I'm always excited to see her, and this was no exception. She arrived during an electrical storm, and although the plane was able to land safely and everyone could get off through the connecting tunnels used at the airport

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-8944697083922504112011-07-27T11:18:00.001-05:002011-07-27T15:53:08.497-05:00

I’m a little on edge today because C left town this morning. While I’ve been doing very well in her absence for the last year or so, this time I’m really struggling. I have several things to do today, things I can’t put off any longer, but first I need to get all the thoughts from the last week clear in my head. I’m trying to figure out how to put all this down so it makes sense…I've only allowed

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-80846083879402171382011-07-26T12:09:00.002-05:002011-07-26T16:34:38.362-05:00

"The Ability to Scream"by Shen 7-26-11 I have to get out of here for a while. I'm just treading water, here... wasting time. I know there are things I could (should?) be doing but I can't get myself to do any of them. It's building up inside me and I can't get myself to a place of working on all these feelings. I feel as if I'm backsliding. I'm beating myself up for not doing the things I know

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-86841131256887275832011-07-25T10:47:00.000-05:002011-07-25T10:47:59.659-05:00

In an email, C she asked me what my fear was about. Why am I so afraid of my anger? She also suggested screaming into a pillow to release the feelings. She and others have written to me about the power of my anger - It is my power. It is my right. Value all of me, even the angry one. It's all here to serve me. It has to be released or I can't move on. Suppression is not helping me. All of

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-47638315742467250472011-07-24T13:11:00.001-05:002011-07-24T13:23:28.392-05:00

I drew Osho cards last night. When I do this, I always take time to connect and go within for a while, first. I shuffle the deck and spread the cards out in front of me, but I don’t draw any until I have a specific question or issue in mind. Last night, the issue was plagiarism. As I wrote in my last post, I am very upset about eHow (a website I worked for) taking my byline off the articles I

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-63388038074783633822011-07-23T22:33:00.000-05:002011-07-23T22:33:38.326-05:00

I want to get back to my routine tomorrow. I have taken a break from the twenty-one days book and tomorrow I'm going to try to get back to it, starting with day nine. I had a hard time with day eight, which is basically a celebration of myself. I don't know why, but I haven't been able to fathom how to do that. I can't bring myself to do it in the ways she suggests and it's got me stuck, so I'm

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-77203282929070448152011-07-22T13:29:00.002-05:002011-07-22T13:40:00.150-05:00

It’s hard to even describe the kind of heat I experienced this morning. It was 103 (40 c) in DC as I took the international student who lives with us to Georgetown U this morning. She is attending some kind of government program for high school students, this week, and will be living in a dorm at Georgetown until next Friday. I got her settled in there – no easy task. One thing I did not like

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-59550506241556002122011-07-22T13:23:00.000-05:002011-07-22T13:23:29.098-05:00

It’s hard to even describe the kind of heat I experienced this morning. It was 103 (40 c) in DC as I took the international student who lives with us to Georgetown U this morning. She is attending some kind of government program for high school students, this week, and will be living in a dorm at Georgetown until next Friday. I got her settled in there – no easy task. One thing I did not like

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-51747290362527135272011-07-21T20:34:00.000-05:002011-07-21T20:34:50.075-05:00

I'm in Washington DC until tomorrow night. I think I neglected to tell my friends in blogland that I was heading out of town. We have an international student living with us and she will be a senior in high school this year, so she's looking at universities for next year, trying to decide where she wants to go. She wanted to check out a few here in DC, so we've been staying in Georgetown, and

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-30202388822792705182011-07-18T10:51:00.001-05:002011-07-19T10:14:22.415-05:00

My brother sent me a link to this video and as I watched it, I got the same feeling I had when I did a labyrinth meditation with about twenty others, last Summer. In a labyrinth (unlike a maze) there's only one entrance, which is also the exit. We took turns entering the labyrinth, waiting about five seconds between each person. At first, I was aware I was following and being followed by

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-762293780590373792011-07-17T14:17:00.000-05:002011-07-17T14:17:44.740-05:00

For me, this has been a week of risk-taking. I wrote about one risk from the last week, although I didn’t call it that at the time. Driving out to meet my friend, on Tuesday, was really scary, for me. I knew I had to make amends. I knew I needed to go into the meeting without expectations. I knew I could lose the relationship if things didn’t go well. In the past, I would not have set up a

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-41321928798221373462011-07-16T00:04:00.000-05:002011-07-16T00:04:16.329-05:00

I'm feeling so good. I've been having so much fun and feeling so connected and good the last couple of days I haven't even paused to write it down. I made a few decisions, now that I'm in a frame of mind to do so. I've been so overwhelmed for so long that I've been putting things off like crazy. Finally, I feel as if I have the space to look at everything and make rational choices. 1. I

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-11798163755295391972011-07-13T12:14:00.001-05:002011-07-13T12:17:43.173-05:00

The writing exercise I posted on Sunday came from Day Three of the Twenty-one Day Consciousness Cleanse. I've been working through this book for about a week, now. When I was telling someone about the book, recently, she asked , jokingly, if it was like the Twenty-one Day Colon Cleanse. I replied, “Yes, but without the diarrhea.” Actually, it wouldn’t be hard to compare the two concepts. In

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-65862907653534832482011-07-12T16:06:00.000-05:002011-07-12T16:06:42.987-05:00

I didn’t sleep last night. I tried… I took two sleep aids – one all natural herbal and half a unisom as a kicker – and I read my novel and the hours ticked by. Twice, I turned off the light because I’d been dozing, but with the darkness came the intrusive, cycling thoughts. All of this and more was built up in my mind because of a scheduled meeting, this morning, with a friend - the one I called

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-77657416681062631312011-07-10T13:44:00.001-05:002011-07-10T13:47:44.414-05:00

Yesterday was rough. Instead of focusing on the tools I have, I isolated, obsessed and distracted myself through the day. Gradually, I felt more and more angry at myself, more anxious, and the sadness I was avoiding was still there, waiting to be expressed. Falling into these old behaviors is a habit which is going to be hard to break.  I am capable of avoiding my feelings so incredibly well

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-53887345083907123772011-07-09T18:51:00.000-05:002011-07-09T18:51:38.967-05:00

Nothing Can Touch Who I Really Am Image created to illustrate one of the two "desires" I chose to focus on, in my twenty-one-day consciousness cleanse. I want to consistently know that what happens around me is not that important because it can't touch who I really am. 

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-81081719796880247962011-07-07T12:36:00.001-05:002011-07-07T14:43:51.674-05:00

It's Day Two of the Consciousness Cleanse. I did my morning routine and read the exercises, which I will do this afternoon. For anyone who’s been in a twelve-step program, you can understand the Day Two exercises as a mini-fourth-step. My only concern with this is that I need to be able to do it in a reasonable amount of time. My fourth step took months. Debbie Ford suggests thirty minutes for

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-2537692265305141732011-07-06T14:07:00.002-05:002011-07-06T14:15:57.175-05:00

I have spent several days preparing for this beginning, but still found that I wasn’t quite ready to dive into it, immediately upon awakening. I tried to do the exercises she had suggested, as I’d done the day before. Deep breaths. Connecting. Answering the questions. I didn’t feel as if I was really there. I was going through the motions. Having finished that, I picked up the book and  thought,

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-73119931653289892822011-07-05T18:35:00.000-05:002011-07-05T18:35:38.679-05:00

I’m calling this Day Zero because tomorrow I start, in earnest, a “Consciousness Cleanse”. I’ve read the first seventy-or-so pages of Debbie Ford’s book The Twenty-One Day Consciousness Cleanse”. I will read the last five pages leading into “day one”, tonight. This morning, I did the morning routine as suggested in the book, to see what it was like. Ms Ford says to set aside twenty minutes each

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-1382407852420792472011-07-04T12:32:00.004-05:002011-07-05T21:51:39.101-05:00

Last night, I fell apart all over again. It was so late it was early – past one this morning. I’d been compulsively checking my email since I returned from church in the early afternoon. I was hoping my friend would contact me... show some small desire to resolve Saturday’s difficult encounter. I was watching the third really bad movie of the night, with my laptop on my knees. Every ten seconds

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-52766468837761142552011-07-03T00:53:00.004-05:002011-07-04T15:58:18.107-05:00

Butterfly bestowedUpon a Shining ScarabA lovely giftA deserved gift A gift I wanted for my own JealousyDeplorable and uselessBrings a stormy dream in which Butterfly and Shining ScarabLaugh at me behind my back With great difficultyI turn away from the delusionSpoiled leftovers of the distant past I come to understandThe issue is only with myselfAnd I think Now, I can confess But before

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-64148704122387509672011-06-30T19:14:00.000-05:002011-06-30T19:14:54.425-05:00

My mind is spinning. I said it. I said it out loud - almost all of it. I don't really know how I feel yet. I didn't think I could do it. It's been a stress-filled week waiting for today and I'm glad its behind me. I did it. Thats all I can really say, right now. For better or worse, i said it out loud and I'm still here. (I posted the writing submissions earlier today, so you can find

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-82366328966601717502011-06-30T13:05:00.001-05:002011-06-30T13:08:16.505-05:00

Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday, as promised. Thank you to Desiree and Gail for their really wonderful submissions to this rather difficult writing exercise. For this exercise, we randomly chose from lists of topics which included what would happen to whom, and when, and where the story was to happen. To read the entire exercise, CLICK HERE. Submission One: He had just turned 94 years old.

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-53004965120536223082011-06-28T12:15:00.004-05:002011-06-28T13:11:24.593-05:00

Last week, the Rag Doll and some other parts came home. They are a part of me, now. If I really try, I can still isolate the piece of me that was thought of as the Rag Doll, and the part that was the five-year-old and some other fragments of me. These pieces of my psyche seemed to exist outside of me, before. They had their own thoughts, their own memories and their own agendas. Now, they feel

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-80610886234680255042011-06-27T13:09:00.004-05:002011-06-27T13:20:23.632-05:00

As I was writing a comment on another blog, this morning, I became aware of one of the most important things I’ve learned. In the last four years, as I’ve been working through my issues in therapy and in CoDA, I’ve had many lessons, but one very important one is accepting and acknowledging my feelings. In the past, I was often depressed. Things which should have been enjoyable were waded through

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-88901533172676350512011-06-26T17:35:00.008-05:002011-06-26T17:40:07.712-05:00

This week's writing exercise is a short story idea which I believe will be fun and challenging. I hope you enjoy it! Read and do each step before going on to the next one: Step One: Decide if your main character will be male or female.   Step two: Write down four numbers between one and five.   (You can repeat numbers – for instance, I had my daughter choose the numbers for me, and

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-38918900407537228032011-06-25T15:53:00.000-05:002011-06-25T15:53:06.815-05:00

Email to C – Thursday: That session was very helpful. I'm disoriented, a little confused, but one thing really stands out as clear. The past is not forever... it's not who I am. It's just something that happened... something beyond my control that happened a very long time ago. I don't have to let it be part of me forever... It isn't me. I've always felt as if I was well, ruined.

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-35414551763440407882011-06-24T12:36:00.008-05:002011-06-24T13:03:37.512-05:00

The beginning was last September. I was having a massage with a wonderful woman who uses massage to help people who have issues with touch. I'd been feeling pretty relaxed, but suddenly panic swept over me, accompanied with a fear of being trapped. That’s when the image popped into my head. The image was of a little girl, around five years old. She was holding a baby-doll, while another doll -

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-60243527020025587572011-06-23T12:37:00.009-05:002011-06-23T14:34:26.340-05:00

  What do I mean by “Being” as opposed to “Doing”? I don't always do well with abstract concepts, so even though I have an overall impression of what this means, I have a very hard putting it into words. As I struggle to find a way to express these thoughts, one comparison I keep coming up with is this: Doing is a one-night-stand while Being is a long-term relationship. Last month, I wrote a

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-66030994449515078632011-06-22T11:48:00.001-05:002011-06-22T20:30:58.651-05:00

For some time, I’ve been trying to gain a deeper understanding of the concept of “Being, not doing”. When I started writing about it, this morning, I realized I have more thoughts on this topic than one post can hold. So, without knowing exactly what part two will look like, I decided to call this part one. At my CoDA meeting last night, we read Mary R’s story in the Blue Book. Mary R is

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-31013465604634980022011-06-21T12:29:00.001-05:002011-06-21T16:55:46.247-05:00

Yesterday, in our session, C asked me what I’ve learned from the interaction I’ve had with another blogger, this past week. She actually asked me this several times. She’s big on gaining from even the most uncomfortable and difficult situations, and usually I at least try to go along with her on this. I really do see the value in what C was trying to do. I see why it would be good to take what

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-30649337832512062572011-06-20T10:46:00.001-05:002011-06-20T22:14:35.474-05:00

My daughter is a married woman! How is that even possible - that little angel I held, the precosious toddler who always kept us on our toes, the little girl who was dainty in a sundress one moment and raging across the grass, muddy and weilding a field-hockey stick the next - now she is a fully grown-up married woman. As my husband drove me to the location where the wedding was to be held – a

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-78300022025402059142011-06-15T12:02:00.019-05:002011-06-21T10:43:29.712-05:00

Thank you all for all your support the last couple of days (and always). I've been under so much stress for the last six weeks or so, and things are really picking up with the wedding only a few days away. I have so much to do, and yet I hours yesterday doing something stupid. Over and over, I found myself submitting myself to a very triggering website. I knew it was compulsive behavior, and

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-27387601315827284942011-06-14T12:06:00.002-05:002011-06-14T15:39:23.496-05:00

I got one, awesome response to Sunday's writing exercise. This week's assignment was to write about a your earliest childhood memory, and to do so in first person, present tense. Gails entry made me want to pick her up and hold her, myself. I'm glad for the resolution: Posted by Gail I am so scared to get up on that wooden box. I am just three years old after all. I see the other little girls

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-80573427716534233252011-06-12T13:36:00.001-05:002011-06-12T15:48:23.702-05:00

Since the wedding and Father's Day are both next weekend, I am unlikely to have a writing exercise next week. I'm excited about this week's exercise, however. I think this could be interesting, especially for the average reader of this blog. The assignment is to write about your earliest memory, and this exercise calls for you to write in first person and present tense. So, if your memory comes

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-67561697557014909902011-06-11T14:53:00.002-05:002011-06-11T15:31:38.559-05:00

I haven’t drawn tarot cards in a few weeks. Whenever I get ready to post about my cards, I feel as if I am going to be misinterpreted or judged by some people who have learned to associate tarot cards with some very negative connotations. So, if you find yourself squirming in your seat at the mention of this particular tool which I've found so useful, please read on a bit and give me the benefit

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-62296521689031775912011-06-10T17:00:00.001-05:002011-06-11T10:06:53.950-05:00

I close my eyes and let the soft meditation CD fill my consciousness. Inside that energy, I picture the most peaceful place I know. In my mind, I am stepping out the back door of the little yellow cottage. I walk down the steps and across the grass, remembering the little fawn I saw here not that long ago. I wonder how big she’s gotten. I picture the undergrowth, the bushes, the hammock, the

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-12581790697816645622011-06-09T14:18:00.002-05:002011-06-09T14:27:13.300-05:00

Lately, it seems to be a lot of work just to stay on this side of sanity. With all that’s on my plate right now and the wedding coming up in nine days, it would likely be a lot for anyone to handle, so I’m giving myself a break and also credit for being able to make it as well as I am. Yesterday afternoon, I was finally beginning to feel a little better. It's been rough for weeks, but it seemed

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-32975401462272315872011-06-07T22:13:00.001-05:002011-06-07T22:21:11.826-05:00

This week's writing suggestion was a little complicated. Maybe that's why there was only one submission, besides mine. Thank you Menancy for posting your well-though-out submission. This exercise was to be done in two parts - the first part was to be written before seeing what part two would bring. I found this somewhere on the web about a week ago, and that's when I wrote mine. Part one is to

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-22502413017052594372011-06-05T14:52:00.000-05:002011-06-05T14:52:47.567-05:00

Things are busy and there is chaos around me and inside me, but I'm making it through. My daughter's wedding is less than two weeks away now and I've gotten to the dreaded part which I was hoping I would not get to - the place where I know I will be glad when it's over. I'm sure it will be fun and emotional and memorable but also just more than I can take in a lot of ways. I am working to get to

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-11917792409508330192011-06-02T12:40:00.000-05:002011-06-02T12:40:51.133-05:00

(Catching up... continued) Friday and Memorial Day Weedend: I was having a hard time getting an appointment set up with C. Monday was out because of the holiday and Tuesday wasn’t working because if all the things I had going on. I was feeling frustrated as I contemplated yet another part of my support system failing on me. Just in case there wasn’t enough going on, my daughter called me last

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-10904737655156907352011-06-01T23:03:00.000-05:002011-06-01T23:03:51.753-05:00

Despite all my attempts at normalcy, my break from C and the Rag Doll was not working out. Friday passed in a blur. I did not go to the meeting. I didn’t do much of anything. Finally, late Friday evening I gave in and checked my email. Here is C’s response from Thursday night: I'm going to suggest you increase your medication back to the full dose. That may be part of what is making things feel

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-42948301984240611722011-06-01T19:40:00.009-05:002011-06-01T19:54:10.607-05:00

Email to C (Early Wednesday morning, May 22)I’m not doing well at all. I know you’re probably busy but if you have anything else open this week, I would like another appointment.She sent me this reply, a short time later:At this point I do not have any openings.  If one appears I'll let you know.  we all have set backs..... Wednesday Journal: I sat outside for a while and tried to relax, to

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-69593618665485320322011-06-01T10:36:00.002-05:002011-06-01T10:44:32.567-05:00

This post may be long and confusing. It seems as if my time away from this blog has been long and confusing so it’s hard to imagine a recounting of that time could be any different. There were (and still are) many things going on at once. During my last session with C (over a week ago) we didn't do our usual DNMS work. There was a lot to talk about and it felt good to talk. Openly discussing

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-59434057966911370972011-05-26T11:37:00.000-05:002011-05-26T11:37:49.560-05:00

I realize I haven't posted anything all week except the writing exercise and submissions. I'm examining why that is and I believe it's because I've come to accept my growth as a given, here, in this forum and right now I'm having a hard time finding that growth. I want to write the solution, the answers to all this crap that we deal with in life, and I just can't get myself to look at anything

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-39212179995570874012011-05-25T17:17:00.007-05:002011-05-25T17:26:41.938-05:00

I was struggling yesterday, and so I didn't get a post up. I'm still struggling but I'm making myself do what I need to do, so that's an improvement. There are still things I'm avoiding and I still feel very overwhelmed, but the hopelessness is a little less intense, today. Anyway, Here are the submissions to Sunday's writing exercise. The assignment was: Think about what you are most

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-1134859122560597572011-05-22T13:25:00.000-05:002011-05-22T13:25:39.899-05:00

It's Sunday, again! Here's this week's writing exercise: Think about what you are most striving to learn, do, complete, or accomplish, at this time of your life. It can be a life-long goal or a simple daily task. What one word or short phrase best describes this important part of your life? This word or phrase becomes your “Buzz Word.” Write the “buzz word” on a piece of paper. Next, write one

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-6451490863819849032011-05-20T11:28:00.005-05:002011-05-20T11:48:08.451-05:00

Although he let my brothers drive the family cars, my father told me he would never let me drive them. It was just another way of keeping me under his thumb, of exerting his power, and of showing me I was not as good as the others in the family. I had two jobs, all through high school because he had also told me he would not buy my clothes, shoes, or other necessitites, when I turned sixteen. He

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-62555386060117652932011-05-19T12:26:00.002-05:002011-05-19T12:40:00.471-05:00

  Last night, I went to a class on forgiveness. We watched half of a documentary-style film by Martin Doblmeier, which is entitled “Forgiveness.” It was intense. I don’t normally watch things like that because the hopelessness and grief portrayed is so concentrated and extreme it triggers those same kinds of feelings in me. I handled it better than I would have in the past. There was a time

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-35265849990578567442011-05-18T12:14:00.000-05:002011-05-18T12:14:41.307-05:00

Friday night, I drove out of the woods, and headed straight to a pre-arranged gathering at a restaurant. My brother had decided, last minute, to drive up for the weekend. Since he only told me a few days before he was coming, and I had long ago made my arrangements for the retreat , I went ahead with my plans. He was coming on Thursday and I could tell he was a little put out that I apparently

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-35517955363335711132011-05-17T11:40:00.003-05:002011-05-18T17:19:59.437-05:00

(Now that I've re-written and formatted my retreat blogs, I'm going to post the entire thing here so that I can more easily link to it in other places. If you've already read the blogs in the seven parts I've posted in the last few days, this will be a repeat... otherwise, this will be an easier way to read the entire thing. If I am somehow able to retrieve the pictures from my phone, I'll add

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-27085579189105369682011-05-16T22:45:00.003-05:002011-05-16T23:22:01.880-05:00

Day two, afternoon journal I change out of my muddy shoes and jeans, put on a sweatshirt ,and put the chicken and rice casserole I brought with me into the microwave. Rifling through my CDs, I decide to listen to “A Woman’s Way” by Mary Hayes Greco. I bought this two-CD set a while ago but haven’t found the time to listen to it until now. I put in disc one and settle down to listen while I eat.

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-47763212106479221732011-05-16T15:31:00.002-05:002011-05-16T15:37:29.302-05:00

(Continued from PREVIOUS POST) Day Two  5-13-11 Morning Journal: At some point, C wished me a “heart-filling” experience. That’s what happened yesterday. Joy came in the streamThe release of tears came in the quiet of the eveningStillness arrived in the hammock Clarity joined them in the last hours before sleep… and sleep I did. Deeply. Dreamlessly. With the rag doll by my side. While still

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-88471236637469621872011-05-16T11:16:00.002-05:002011-05-16T11:19:34.549-05:00

(continued from PREVIOUS POST) Journal Six, 5-12-11 What a spectacular day. The drawing seemed to come from nowhere, but it isn’t a surprise. It is a summation of the duality I’ve lived in my life. I look at the separateness of it. I know it’s time to accept the Rag Doll for the hero she is. I wish it was that easy. The thunder faded away without a drop of rain. At sunset, I go outside and

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-67666289092660330422011-05-16T09:55:00.001-05:002011-05-16T09:59:48.176-05:00

(continued from THIS POST. To read about the retreat from the beginning, CLICK HERE.) Journal Five 5-12-11 I hear my husband’s car pull up, outside… the car door opens… the jeep door opens and shuts… footsteps… the car door closes. I could go  out and said something to him, but I keep to my silence. Tires noisily kick up dirt and gravel. My phone buzzes with a text.  “I put your bag in the

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-60728899669682693332011-05-15T22:55:00.002-05:002011-05-16T11:30:51.118-05:00

Click Here to read Part One                   Click Here to read Part Two Spring Retreat Part Three Journal Five 5-12-11 [My husband] hasn’t dropped off my stuff, yet. I have my markers but the only paper is on this tiny pad. I ended up drawing a small picture of a pretty rag doll, much like the one C gave me. I didn't really know what I was going to draw until it was there on the

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-59448746673555069802011-05-15T15:37:00.007-05:002011-05-15T20:12:55.589-05:00

Because I've spent quite a bit of time putting up this quarter's Steppers' Wisdom Blog Carnival, I'm not going to post a writing exercise today. If you have time, check out the carnival. I beleive there is something within those links to help anyone - not just those in recovery. The wisdom shared in the submitted posts are good growth pieces for anyone who is in a relationship of any kind, as

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-22784287527916615212011-05-14T11:10:00.000-05:002011-05-14T11:10:17.787-05:00

I'm feeling rather sad, at the moment. They are not going to fix my car - the damages are more than the value of the car, so we are going to get a (very small) check and now I have to figure out how to get another vehicle. We have three tuitions and a wedding to pay for this year. A new car was not in the plan... And... this morning my phone (the only place in which all the pictures from the

Shenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16635993168913490929noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6944698796767874000.post-84650343116542377152011-05-13T22:56:00.000-05:002011-05-13T22:56:30.838-05:00

I've just gotten back from the retreat and it was awesome. I'll be writing about it this weekend... but for now I'm reposting a photoshop drawing I put up before I left. I know it was posted because I have some comments on it in my email, but somehow the post disappeared... weird, huh? Anyway, here's the drawing again and I'll be back soon This is entitled "Somehow All the Pieces Fit"

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