In This Moment

When you look at yourself, do you see what God sees?
When you speak to yourself, do you say what God would say?
When you hear yourself, do you hear God’s voice and words?
When you love yourself, can you love absolutely as God does?

What if this moment was not one in a line, stuck between others like the filling of an Oreo?
What if this instant stood alone, without the regrets of the past or the worries of the future?
If you close your eyes, can you push aside this time and place?
What would God want for you, right now?

Circular Illogic

What is this about?
           Like you don’t know.
going along as if everythings fine
Continue to shove this aside and pretend and deny there’s anything there.
(It’s something)
Of course it’s something.
its always something why cant it just stop

Because we need to talk about this. There is something unfinished about the ceremony.
[A sense of let down]
i did what I was supposed to do
          Like that matters.
I did everything right.
I did it for me
thats selfish
And so maybe I don’t deserve to ask anything more of others?

(But there is such a let down)
I did everything right.
           You said that.
(You are both repeating)
A lot of hard work and a real commitment to something important and it is only important to me, I guess, but it feels as if there should have been something more.

I should just be happy with what I am gaining.
These are the most important things.
Those are the things that make reality unimportant – at least as it’s seen on this planet.
          The true reality.
(And at least we can talk about it.)
Yes, but in a way this makes me feel different and alone.
separate.
Set apart.
alone
(That’s my fault. I wanted it that way)
how else could it be?
          Yes, it’s how it had to be
(We agree on something)
Are we going to talk about this, or not?

It feels as if there should have been some kind of celebration.
You don’t want much, do you?
(Is it really too much to ask?)
Or at least recognition.

To make this feeling go away.
I don’t even know what that feeling is.
[There is a feeling of… what is that?]
Holding back, not wanting to share but doing it because it’s what’s expected.
Why?
          The feeling is the why.
its about i’m not going to tell you because you hurt me
(It’s about punishing others by withholding myself.)
My real self
          Push and pull
(Always so cryptic. It makes it hard to stay with this when you interject that stuff.)
          Fuck you
(that helps.)

It’s about wanting to share who I really am and not being able to and it feels hopeless – as if I will never be able to figure this out.
Maybe I’m not meant to.
         Fear
Is it fear?
is it?
[More like anger]
More like a childish kind of “bite off your nose to spite your face” anger.
(It’s the - Do you want ice cream? - No, I’m angry at you - But you like ice cream - I don’t care, I don’t want anything from you - You’re only hurting yourself - Kind of anger)
And hurt is underneath
Anger is the other side of hurt
          You think you’re so wise.
(haha)
Sometimes anger is the other side of fear, but this kind of anger is about hurt.
And maybe the fear of being hurt more?
Does it always have to be about fear?
If it is, then yes.

But it’s also about feeling hurt - and that’s why the tears are so close all the time.
i wanted the part that comes after a ceremony
(And I never expected that I would want it)
          I never even thought of it.
After a wedding, there’s the reception
and after the graduation there’s a dinner or something
You didn’t even go to your graduation.
i went to one
(That wasn’t yours)
          Seriously? That again?
(She gets no credit for that. She was never there!)
i was too little
          This is not helping anything

Even after a funeral there’s a gathering of some kind and it feels like…
(Closure?)
Acknowledgment?
kind of like honoring what happened or something
Yes, something like that.
Damn it, I hate feeling like this.
          Shall we have one more round of “anger is the other side of hurt?”
Why do you always have to be like that?
He wants to stop us from getting to what this is really about.

all these feelings just keep washing over me why dont you help me
I’m trying.
im pushing them away again its too hard
Pushing it away doesn’t do any good. You can’t push them far enough.
i don’t know how to cry about this anyway
(I don’t know what I’d be crying about)
but the tears are right there all the time
I hate that
          Yes

Its so much easier to get lost in the syntax, the semantics, the limited meaning of spoken words, than it is to imagine – really picture and understand – what the conversation would be like.
Just thinking about it brings a feeling of closing up, of hiding.
(and sadness and of hiding that too)
Sometimes it feels like it would be a relief.
Maybe the tears are just waiting to feel that relief.
Yes – it’s as if I need to finally say all the things I feel and then I would feel that relief and the tears would not be about sadness or anger.
Or hurt-
Right. It would just be about relief, about letting go.

That’s what the ceremony was about.
i feel hurt that she left right after
          What good does that do?
(hedging – immediately)
It isn’t wrong for her to go – it isn’t her life
It isn’t her responsibility.
(True, but that doesn’t have anything to do with a FEELING!)
I have no right to expect – I have no right to ask – I have no right to hope
          You can’t tell her that
Why not? If that’s how it feels, why not?
it was so important to me and i wanted it to be important to her
          She never said it wasn’t.
she never said it was
(Really? I’d have to go back and check… but I bet she did.)
          She did.
i wanted someone to understand how important it was
(Who are you talking about, anyway? Do you even know?)
          That’s a good one. There seems to be constant confusion about that.
Great distraction.
[Why do you pick on her? Let her be.]
(It’s not “mommy”)
          That depends on who you ask.
(Can we get back to the issue?)
Can we even remember what that was?
Acknowledgement of a big step
There was acknowledgement – on the blog, in email
it isn’t the same to write it down
          Really? Since when?
It isn’t the same to send it off into cyberspace and wait for a word
(What word?)
Acknowledgement
          Now you’re being difficult. Who’s going to say that. “I acknowledge… blahblahblah”
That isn’t helping.
If I wanted to hear it then I have to say that. It’s my responsibility to bring up what I want to talk about.
          Yeah like some damn business transaction.
Why do you always have to be like that?

This is impossible. No wonder I don’t even know what I feel. It’s such a confusing mess in here and there’s nowhere else to go.
it was just over
(what did you expect?)
And then I drove home.
And went back to exactly how it’s always been.
No, you can see a lot of change.
          Even this conversation is change.
(It sucked to get home and find it was just over.
[“How did it go?” “Perfectly.”]
          What else was there to say? Why is that not enough?
I still haven’t unpacked my suitcase.
i cant even look at it
And the all-important jar still sits where I put it the day I carried it home.
No place of honor
No recognition
          Get over it!
(Yeah, fine.)
whatever
          It’s just over now get on with your life

Well, that was it.
Here they come.
          Seriously? Now you’re going to cry about it?
(About what?!)
finally
(I knew it was there.)
          Does it help?
It’s a drop in the bucket

Yes. There is so much more.
Fear of not being loved as much as I love
Anger
Hurt
Yes – the hurt is the sadness.
And the anger.
(You already said that.)
Anger isn’t always about fear, it is also about hurt.
          One more time!
(Don’t you think you’ve said enough?)
Not even close. I haven't said anything.
          You rarely do.
I don't know how to in the future.
Oh, here we go. Are we going to have THAT discussion again?
you are supposed to talk it isn’t my job
I don’t know what to say. My mouth is silent and if I imagine saying what I really want to say—
(Want to say?? Really?)
— I close up, my mind becomes fuzzy. The thoughts are gone and I’m only left with the feelings.
Sick stomach
          Excuses.
A sense of giving up - This is all there is - Don’t expect more.
it isnt important
(it’s hard to hold on to)
Already, I can’t remember what I’ve written… and I know if I go back and read it, it will be a surprise and it will make me cry again and then it will be gone.
Again
And it feels so pointless.
          Is that another excuse?
(Another reason not to try.)

It’s a waste of time to go in there if I don’t say what I need to say.
          Fine. Cancel.
When I try to throw blankets over the whole mess and talk about something else, the blankets cover everything else, too. It is the cause of that fogginess in my head.
          Thank you, oh wise one.
And most interesting of all is that when I force myself to write the words I can’t say, only this comes out. The strongest feeling, the one that is most overwhelming is unmentionable.
Why?
if you say that it makes all the rest even harder because then she knows
          She already knows.
Then she wins.

I would like to stop looking at everything as a competition.
(nobody wins the way it is now)
          This is so pointless.

The Uninvited Guest

Why does growth always travel with an uninvited guest?

Identify the obstacle ahead.
Plan exactly how to get over it.
Pick up speed.
Lift both legs up,
Take that flying leap of faith.
Soar above a hurdle so high it has obscured everything beyond.
Land it perfectly!
Turn to check the judges' scorecards and find they have disappeared into the shadows.

Who needs them?
This was not about evaluations!
Reap the rewards of all that hard work!
The road ahead will surely be smooth and paved with joy.

Turn towards the future, ready to celebrate in the sparkle of success!
Feel the smile vanish.
An uninvited guest is shouldering a sobering consignment of issues.
The shadowy shape screams for assistance and the road suddenly narrows, again.

The joy is in the journey?
Those are your words of wisdom?
*sigh*
There certainly can be joy in the journey, but sometimes it’s awfully nice to stand in the gentle waves of a sundrenched beach with a cool drink and nowhere to go.
Just when it seemed safe to get back in the water...

Eyes focus steadily forward on another ominous obelisk.
The silhouette of the looming obstruction blocks out everything else.
It impedes perception of past progress.
It makes it hard to imagine the breathtaking future, seen as a reality only moments before.

It isn’t falling into old habits.
It isn’t that the finished work was worthless.
It isn’t backsliding.
It isn’t failure.
It’s a whole new hurdle, and now it’s time to get back to work.

The uninvited guest... Unwelcome? Not exactly.
This escort... Unwanted? No, that isn't quite right.
Unsought but so well-known is this companion.
Skin, blood and bone are more easily abandoned.

Consider the weight of the load as it shifts to your shoulders
It feels both novel and familiar
Let this unsolicited guest tie the bundle tight
Try to see the ropes that bore into your back as the ribbons of a magnificent gift
And try not to feel discouraged.

Shamanism

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know I've been on a spiritual quest for some time. I've been collecting interesting advisors along the way, people who come from a whole spectrum of belief systems and who are (mostly) happy to help quench my insatiable curiosity.

Recently, I have added a Rabbi to my collection. One of the things she spoke of was "the Spark".

Biblicly speaking, the spark is what God breathed into Adam to give him life. One might take this literally and believe that there were no human beings before Adam, but there are some difficulties in believing that. My friend told me that she believes that the moment God breathed life into Adam is really a metaphor for the awakening of man - it is the time when we as a species became spiritually aware.

This spark idea really rang some bells inside me.

The spiritual beliefs I have been researching most recently are the oldest ones around. Some say these beliefs - which I'll call Shamanism, since that is the closest label I've found to date - may go back as far as the Paleolithic Era, but it is commonly accepted to go back at least twelve thousand years.

It is assumed that the first ritualistic Shaman practices began at a time when people were switching from living as nomadic hunter-gatherers to living in early tribal farming communities. It’s really impossible to know for certain that it doesn't go back even before that because when people were still nomadic, they didn't have specific burial sites or home-sites, and so not many artifacts can be found.

Modern scientists, having found shaman burial sites that go back twelve thousand years, believe that people began to develop rituals and spiritual beliefs because moving from being nomadic to being communal farmers would have been a huge, traumatic lifestyle change. The scientists speculate that people needed the comfort of a spiritual belief because they were making such a dramatic societal change.

A more spiritual perspective might be to say it happened the other way around. Instead of developing a belief in God or Spirit(s) out of fear, perhaps it is Spirit that gave mankind the wisdom to move towards what they were meant to be. Perhaps that was a moment when God breathed into man and told him, "You are more than what you see around you. You can create a world far beyond what you've so far found."

Perhaps it is a natural progression to move from surviving on what could be found and taken from the land to living like people as we are today – building villages, growing what we need, and herding animals so that food would be available all the time and not only when something happened by or when we could track it down.

However, if this is a natural progression, then why are human beings the only animal that have developed in this way? Something set us apart, at a time when we were little more than the wolves who hunted beside us.

If God – however you see God – created everything, and if God decided it was time to give man an inkling of his true nature, then this spark breathed into early man, would have set him apart from everything that came before - not physically, but spiritually. If something this incredible happened, it would certainly have made it into the stories that were passed down from that time on.

I believe our modern day beliefs come from these early stories - and if we look at only the things that are common among all religions and beliefs, we will find the true aspects of those original stories.

If you believe that God breathed life into mankind – gave him spirit or soul – then you believe that at least one human being walking on this planet was connected to God in a way that is more profound than what most of us see in our daily lives. It seems likely to me that if there was one, there have been others, throughout the ages, who have also been given a clue to the infinite, and a job to pass that on.
You could use the term prophet, savior, clairvoyant , mystic, or shaman. Abraham, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad, Krishna, the Dalai Lama, and who  knows how many more?

So, it’s the old chicken and egg question. Did mankind develop and progress without help and then develop early religion during a time of stressful change – or did God instill this ability to change into man - and only man?

Step Zero

A funny thing happened during my session with my therapist on Monday.

It was good to see her and talk about everything that's been going on for the last two weeks. Even though she was on vacation, she was keeping up with my ceremony posts, which really made me feel good. It also made it so much easier for me because she knew all that I'd been through and what I was feeling up until the time I left the retreat.

I'm still processing and still gaining perspective. Several people have asked me, "How are you now, since you did the ceremony?"

I didn't want to answer right away. There is often that high that comes right after an experience like that... I wanted to wait until the high wore off and real life set in so I could give an accurate account.

Anyway, while I was at my session on Monday, she pulled out some things she had printed for me to look at as she does from time to time. I imagine she does this for all her clients.

One of the pages she handed me she said came from her files but she couldn't remember where it came from.
I remembered. It came from me!

Before I started this blog, before I had my current sponsor, in CoDA, I had another sponsor for a short time. The first time I was trying to do Step One, I was having a really hard time. Honestly, before she handed me this page, I'd forgotten what a tough time it had been. I believe I have told people that step one was not difficult because I always knew my life was out of control.

Although I was quite aware that my life was unmanageable,I did actually have a great deal of difficulty getting through the first step.

The page my therapist handed back to me that day was something I wrote as I was trying to find my way through that difficulty.

How to Begin to Love Yourself (aka step zero)

In step one of Codependents Anonymous, it states:
“We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

I've read and reread this many times. Each time I thought to myself, yes, my life is obviously unmanageable. Then I would move on to thinking about all the ways my life was unmanageable and begin to beat myself up about it. The more I thought about it, the more fault I found in myself.

It’s taken me several months to realize that this is the problem I’ve had with this step from the beginning. Thinking about it made me feel bad because it inevitably brought on a long session of self-abuse as I blamed myself for every negative aspect of my life. Today, it occurred to me that this is not the purpose of this step.

So, I’ve decided on a step zero—a preliminary step that, for me, will be helpful to get me to step one. This step will be stated as follows:
Realize that you are perfect in your imperfection.

I've heard the expression "Perfectly Imperfect" in meetings. I suppose I didn't really understand it, until now.

Why do we kick ourselves when we’re down? Is it human nature or something we learned along the way?
It seems likely that if you judge yourself harshly, you may do the same to others.

If you always use your turn signal before a turn, and condemn yourself for the occasional time when you forget, you are likely to be very angry when someone turns in front of you without signaling.

If you work at being punctual, and beat yourself up when you are running late, it’s likely you will be annoyed when someone keeps you waiting.

However, while you are quick to jump on yourself for each little misstep, it’s likely that you don’t make a scene each time someone else commits a small personal foul. You may not say anything to others that behave in ways you find objectionable in yourself.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you are forgiving and generous with others. More likely, you are making marks on the infinite tally sheet in your mind, building resentment as you go. This puts an unnecessary strain on all of your relationships.

So how can you stop ruthlessly criticizing yourself, and alleviate the strain you put on others?

For me, I find it helps if I think of myself as one of my children. If my child did what I've done, how would I react? Would I call them stupid? Would I want them to feel awful about it? Would I punish them for every mix-up or blunder? No! I would give them a hug and encourage them to try again. When I look at my children, even their mistakes can make me smile because I accept them and love them exactly as they are in this moment.

This kind of unconditional love is precious. Whomever you deem worthy of it will reap great rewards, some of which they will carry with them throughout their lives. It’s a gift you’ve always had to give, but may have been too stingy with.

If you can learn to look at yourself the way you would a loved child, you may see yourself as someone who feels sorrow and joy; makes mistakes big and small; incurs little triumphs and great accomplishments; knows the burden of fear which is sometimes tempered by courage; and has a mind that is striving to understand the world and a heart that can give even you unconditional love.

When I told my therapist that this was something I'd written and sent to her, (I later went back and found the document - I wrote it in February of 2009 - and the email I sent her with it attached, mostly to convince myself), she said, "It seems you've been on a quest for self-love and unconditional love for a long time."

She's right. When I was writing this, it was the beginning of a path that has brought me to a much better place. So often, we have these little glimpses of truth. It may seem, at times, that we work so hard and the continue to fall backwards, again and again.

I don't see this in that way, at all. I believe it took a long time for this message - that it was good and right to love myself unconditionally - to get from my brain to my heart and soul. It doesn't happen in an instant.

But it can happen.

A video, just for fun

I'm going to try something I haven't done before. Before I begin, keep in mind I am not a photographer. I do okay with stills because I take a lot of pictures and crop out the parts I don't like.
Video is a different matter.
I am uploading a video to youtube, and I'm going to put the link here and see how it works.
The video is what I saw on part of one of my hikes at the retreat. There were several deer, but when I watched it now I only could find the one I zoomed in on.

Anyway, for what it's worth....
here is the link

Exciting News

Thank you to Liana a The Rainbow Dreaming for honoring me with the "Life is good" award.

I will answer all the questions associated with this award at the bottom of this post.

First, I want to put up some exciting news!

Today, I wrote the words “The End” on a novel I have been working on for nearly four years. I wrote the epilogue, as well, and so now all that’s left is the re-write (which will take a few months).

I wanted to post the last chapters of my book for my writer’s group and the deadline to post for this week was tonight, so I didn’t have time to write a blog about my ceremony today… but I will be back to that tomorrow. The exciting part is still to come!

Now, for the “Life is Good” questions…

1. What would you perfect day consist of?

A perfect day for me is a day when I feel completely whole and connected. When I feel like myself it doesn’t matter what’s going on, everything is good.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

This is a hard question! I’m really a pretty concrete thinker…
I guess I would be a sari – a multicolored, reversible fabric that could be worn in different ways depending on the mood.

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

I just finished my book! I am also working on more drawings to illustrate my “Hole in the Soul” story and the rest of my time (when I’m not in blogland) is pretty tied up with my kids and CoDA. Do those count as hobbies?

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

Oooh tough choice! For today, I will pick walking in the woods in wellies (assuming that wellies are boots of some kind), since that was so awesome during my retreat.

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

I hug every tree in my yard every Spring when the buds appear. I LOVE trees!

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

I would love to have a garden, one day. In the summer, I drive to the farms (which is a short drive, from my house) and pick up fresh produce there.

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

I’m related to President Zachary Taylor and Admiral Vernon (An eighteenth century British Admiral).

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

Hmmm, another tough choice. I love to cook…. And I’ve never actually had fish and chips from the wrapper (do they do that in the U.S.?) although I’ve seen it at EPCOT in Florida… but mostly I don’t feel like having to get all dressed up just to go eat, so I’m going with the fish.

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Definitely water. Flowing and ever-changing.

10. Do you believe in fairies?

If I defined fairies as the little bits of goodness that seem to pour into my life when I least expect it, then yes.

Thanks again, Liana!

It's a really hard choice, but I would like to pass this award on to the following bloggers:

JBR

Kathy R.

Katie

Gail

Sherry

and, Michael

Congrats to all!