Random Thoughts of a Five Year Old

Putting on a show with my brother
Making up commercials to juke box songs

The key was on top of the door frame, too high for me to reach

If you learn to cross the street you can go to the park by yourself.

Time for school
New pattened leather shoes
Shiny black and pinching
Kids in the school yard
Kindergarten

Go say hello to that little girl
I don’t want to, but I do
I turn around
Mommy's gone

I'm different
I don't know why
The teacher doesn’t like me
The kids don’t, either
I don't like them, back

That damn dog never shuts up.
Piano lessons
Bartok and Mozart

Clean your room!
Empty all the drawers and clean them out

Under the gun

Look at the drawers
Which ones will he check?
Put the socks in the middle drawer
He wouldn't look in there

Don’t go in there.
That’s Daddy’s room.

Whispers in the dark
Something hidden.

You stay out of there.

Wanna come over to my house?
Upstairs to an apartment
Special
Time
Her mommy said it was time to go
Do you know the way?
Yes.
Are you sure?
Yes.

Lost



Wandering alone
Scared
Don’t cry

Getting dark
Where is the school?
If I can find the school I can get home.

So many cars
So many people
I don’t know anyone

Mommy's face
Where were you?
I went home with a friend.
Don’t ever do that again

He left the key in the lock.
Shhh
The door is open.
Tiptoe.
What is it?
Is it real?
Don’t touch it!

Socks in the middle drawer
Tuck it in there

Ballet lessons
Cold outside.
Recitals
And then winter is over

Now that I'm five I can go to the park
All by myself
I don't like to be all by myself.

Unsafe
Unfair
Undirected

I heard them running in the attic
Little feet on the ceiling
Ghosts?

Damn racoons.
Keep breaking into the attic.

Little squeals in the dark

Playing with my brother
Pretending the bunk beds were being carried into the night
It was so real when we played pretend
We were orphans
All alone in the wild

And I loved my little brother
But I tried to hurt him
A lot
So many times

Damn racoons.

I pushed him down and told him to ride his tricycle down the stairs
And bit the heads off the little plastic soldiers and left them in the box
And carved HAM in big letters in the banister
And everyone thought it was him because it was the only word he knew

Damn dog!
Spaghetti for dinner
And all my things
Barbies with no clothes
and no heads

I'll take care of the racoons.

Heavy footsteps on the attic stairs, right next to my room
Bang! Bang!
Thud thud
No more little feet on the ceiling
 
Bunk beds and a dresser.
Underwear on the left
and socks in the middle drawer

My brother, only three
He wrote HAM everywhere
From the Seuss book

They will think it was him

Carving in the banister
Nail against the wood
Powerful

Smoking gun

Mommy’s face

Where were you?
I was worried sick
Don’t ever do that again
You'll send me to an early grave

My sister dancing in the kitchen

Walking to the park
Swinging on the gate

Where’s your mommy?
Are you here all by yourself?

Birthday cake
And candles
Blow out the candles

Soundless
Black and white
Old movie
Playing over everything else

Did you make a wish?

Washed out
Blocked out
Hidden

But he didn't get in trouble
They knew it was me
Can’t hide anything, really
Not even in the middle drawer