More on Unconditional Love and Boundaries

Ilene Wolf's website, HEAL (Healing Emotionally Abused Lives) is one I check in with from time to time. Ilene, a survivor of emotional abuse, calls herself a writer/teacher/activist. Besides those she helps online, Ilene has helped a lot of people in the area where she lives through "care circles" which she runs, public speaking and personal life-coaching. Her insights have been helpful to me on more than one occasion as I’ve processed things from my past.

Recently, a discussion she had posted in the “Howl” (which is her blog at HEAL) was about unconditional love and boundaries. These are concepts I’ve been trying to understand and redefining for some time.

In the week before I wrote this blog entry (which shows some of the growth I attained about boundaries) I read what Ilene had to say about unconditional love.

She said:

Many times, when we’re connected with someone, be that someone a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, or some other relationship, we may look at a person’s behavior and say something like:

I don’t like or approve of the behavior but I still (unconditionally) love the person.

Given that pronouncement, we can proceed with taking actions that can demonstrate love for the person while simultaneously maintaining appropriate and healthy personal boundaries.

In some cases, this may mean taking actions that may “appear” as being “harsh” towards the badly
behaved person. In other cases it may mean expanding the physical or emotional “distance” between yourself and the badly behaved person. You can do these things while still loving the badly behaved person unconditionally.

I read this and thought, how on earth can you call it unconditional love if you have to sometimes distance yourself from a person?

I posted this question:

If you take the love away, even briefly, that doesn't sound unconditional... If you have to set specific boundaries around the relationship - that is a condition, isn't it?

It made sense to me at the time, but I believe I've found the flaw in my logic.

There were a few responses to my question, but one – posted by another reader at HEAL - really helped me visualize the concept of unconditional love. Maybe it was taking the human element out of it that made it so clear, or maybe it was just having a good concrete example to which I could relate. I thought her answer might be helpful to others, so I asked if she minded me using it here in my blog. Since she had no objection, here is what she said:

I greatly enjoy ice cream. But I know that I'm not going to have just a little and that is bad for my goal of keeping in shape and healthy. But do I still "love" ice cream "unconditionally"? Yes, of course. It is just that I have learned over time that I am better off without it around. And, I have also learned there are other foods that I can enjoy sensibly and/or are healthy for me

See, the flaw in my logic lay in my definition of love. Love isn’t about spending time with someone, holding their hand, or putting up with their crap… unconditional love simply means that even if you can never be around the person you still accept them for who they are. C called it "accepting their Being-ness."

Sounds simple enough, right? Haha, sure...

I am moving towards a kind of acceptance of my parents that is different from what I've experienced in the past. I don’t have to be with them or do the things they want me to be or put up with their crap. I just have to accept that they are who they are, and then I have the option to set boundaries around behaviors that don't suit me.

I'm still working on writing out exactly what those boundaries will look like, but the world has opened up so much around it. I see options I didn’t see before, possibilities I couldn’t comprehend, and I have hope that I will (this time) be successful in setting healthy boundaries with my parents when they return from Florida in the spring.

Shaman and Boundaries - Part Two

(continued from last post)

With all the cards in place, I turn to the page about the first one I drew: The Shaman of Purification. It sits on The Journeyer card to remind me that this card reflects what I can learn from my own inner guidance.

Since it is the first Shaman card drawn, it is related to the first of five “indicators” about the Cave of Shamans. I’m a little startled to see that the first Shaman indicator is “Boundaries”. “Cleansing the spirit.”

Since this is the first card I drew, I read the first of seven interpretations. 

“Purification means getting rid of stale ways of thinking that can hold us back. Entering any new phase of development requires us to reassess what has gone before and, where necessary, purge ourselves of attitudes that are no longer appropriate. The Shaman of purification is with us whenever we embark on something new, helping us to prepare for what lies ahead by cleansing the soul and imbuing us with fresh purpose. “

I close my eyes and feel as if this guide is with me, holding my hand.

The second card is meant to help me understand what my spiritual guide – who I think of as C - is telling me. Since this is the first card from the Cave of Dancers, I look up the first indicator: “Home”.

The idea of “going home” has been in my head for weeks. It is related to the very little one inside. She never felt as if she was home after we moved out of the apartment and into the big house. I thought about how this relates to my "Spritual Guide", and thinking of “home” in connection with C felt good. She is helping me find my center, that welcoming home we all carry inside us.

Since this was the second card drawn, I read the second interpretation:  “Weakened Resolve”. I puzzled over this, wishing I could deny any weakening of my resolve about this issue.

Well… I have been fluctuating on this, a lot. I feel as if I have to do this, but I can’t seem to make myself push forward... and I don't know why.

“The Dancer of Frustration [...] encourages us to look beyond the obvious and find a new path that may lead us to greater joys and richer rewards than the original path we sought to take. The moment we can visualize that new path, is the moment we can begin to move forward again.”

 Is there anything C been encouraging me to do that I'm not doing?

I remember the comment C made when I first announced that I was not cutting ties with my parents:

“What you are considering does seem to be in alignment with your deepest self, with spirit. It is hard, and it is of the core of your being.”

That can't be it.

The last line in the book, about visualizing the new path, suddenly clicks in a new way. Other things C has said begin to fall into place.

“Assure all parts of you that you are not going to say anything to your parents until all are ready.”

And

“You have time.”

I have been in a hurry to get through with this unpleasantness, but suddenly I know that’s not the way it has to be. I have a reprieve, a couple of months while my parents are in Florida for the winter. I can use this time to ready myself.

I take a moment to look inside, at the eight-year-old and the very little one who have been so present lately. The eight-year-old has begun to integrate, but there is a big trust issue I’ve been ignoring. I think I understand it now.

“I won’t rush you,” I tell them. “I promise. I won’t do anything until you’re ready.”

I smile a little as I think that maybe C is a little frustrated with my constant, frantic pushing forward.


How many times has she told me it’s okay to take a break?

The three cards I’ve placed in the center represent how the question relates to various aspects of my life right at this moment. I feel much calmer as I read about the next card.

The Shaman of Reflections is the second Shaman card drawn. The corresponding indicator is: “Divisions”. Since it’s the third card I drew, I look up the third interpretation.

“Acknowledging the Truth.

 The Shaman of Reflections teaches us to look in the mirror and be challenged by what we see. We may encounter a person, or a situation, or an aspect of our life that we have hidden from. We may need to take heed and change paths accordingly.”

Again, this seems to be begging me to take more time to reflect.

I look up the appropriate indicator and interpretations for the Dancer of Joy: “Protection” and

“Happiness

The dancer in this image shows up a sheer, unbridled fountain of life bursting forth and transforming everything it touches. Joy enters us at moments of heightened awareness, of delight and passion, of truthfulness and hope. It carries us far above any other feeling or experience and establishes with us a core of energy that is always there to be tapped.”

Putting the words protection and happiness in one thought brings me a feeling of hope. I have a sense, as I read the passage that if I do this right, I will be able to find joy in life in a way that has always been lacking.

And... maybe I won’t only find it for myself… maybe there is also a way to bring joy to others who are so unhappy.

For all they’ve done and not done in the past, I still feel sorry for my parents. They are not happy in their lives and they search constantly for someone or something to fill the void within. It is that hole-in-the-soul emptiness that has caused them to behave in such harmful ways.

I'm afraid to hope. I'm trying very hard to let go of hope when it comes to my parents, to only count on those things I know I can control - which is really only myself. It's really impossible to give up completely.

I know I can’t do anything about them… but maybe I can find this joy for myself and if I do, it may be that it expands beyond me.

The final center card is the Hunter of Paths. Since my question and all my thoughts have been directly about finding and following the right path, this card seems most fitting.

The indicator is “Beginnings.”

This is a new beginning.

The interpretation is, “Discovering Shortcuts.”

Huh… just when I decided I’ve been rushing too much – a shortcut? Then again, if there was a shortcut, I wouldn’t feel so rushed, would I?

I reread the words "carefully choose which path to follow".

“The Hunter of Paths is depicted here leaping onto the back of a creature whose long neck gives a clear view in every direction. With this Hunter by our side, we to can enjoy that clarity of vision, and with it carefully choose which path to follow. This Hunter’s presence is a positive indicator that our instincts will guide us toward fruitful ways forward.”

So, I must look at all my options. There’s no rush. I know it will work out the way it’s meant to, and I know I have all the help and guidance I need.

The final card, The Shaman of Foresight, reflects what I can learn from Spirit. The indicator tells me that spirit is going to be guiding my “Journeys”. The interpretation is:

"Taking Advice.

The idea of being held captive strikes a chord. I was a prisoner of my own perceptions of the situation for most of my life. As a child, I had no choice, but as an adult I only thought I had no choice. Now, the choice is truly mine. I decide who to spend time with and how much time to spend with them. I decide where I will walk and when I will stay home. I am in control of my own destiny, and I have plenty of time to work through all the things I need to understand before committing to a plan of action.

Foresight enables us to find the way toward our own destiny. It takes us safely past obstacles or traps, beyond stormy seas into calmer waters. The Shaman of Foresight helps us to work on our expectations so that we are ready for whatever life throws at us. The image on this card shows the handprint enclosed in a cage: forsesight shows us how we may avoid such captivity in the first place.”

Again, the message seems to be not to rush, to be prepared, and that I am being led in the right direcdtion. I was going to try to write a first draft of that letter today, but now I know that I’m not ready. I feel much calmer and less frantic about the whole thing. When the time is right, I will right the letter, fine tune it, and then email it to my parents. I will set the appropriate boundaries with them - something I should have done years and years ago (this is an awareness I've had for a long time, which is probably part of why I feel so rushed, now) - and I will head into a new phase of my life.

A new beginning.

Having faced the possibility of never seeing my parents again, I am more comfortable with the notion of seeing them only on my terms. I only have to understand what my terms are and then I believe it will all fall into place.

*****

Shaman and Boundaries - Part One

I’m  having a very hard time staying in my adult self, and keeping myself out of the heavy emotional angst that is obscuring the truth. I want to write the letter to my parents. I want to get a clear picture of what these boundaries should be and of how to inform my parents of my boundaries.

This morning, I sat to meditate, an attempt clear my mind of all the debris that is preventing me from this course of action. As I took deep breaths, I saw the little ones inside and consoled them, again. I promised, as C suggested in an email last night, that I would not send anything to my parents until every one of my parts felt ready.

Then, suddenly, I thought of the oracle cards. I’ve been experimenting with the Shaman Oracle cards since Christmas, trying to learn how they can work for me.

I feel as if there is guidance in drawing cards, as there is in many contemplative activities. It makes sense that when we sit quietly and listen openly we are more likely to hear what is already known in our hearts. These ultimate truths are always there, but they are often hard to hear because a cacophony of chaotic mental noise is ever-present.  

There are many ways to read cards, and there are dozens, if not hundreds, of decks one could choose. My first deck – the Osho cards – were a wonderful opening for me into the world of tarot. One could assume that the spirits/angels/guides/gods are directly moving my hand to choose the proper cards. It honestly does feel that way, at times. Whatever beliefs you have or names you choose to use, if you believe in a guiding force of any kind, why not believe that it is there for you when you look for it?

If this is not something you could believe, you might instead assume that the answers I seek are drawn out through association with generalities written about the cards. It’s true that there could be infinite interpretations, much like with astrological predictions or palm reading or even biblical passages. However, I believe the inner wisdom is always there, under the surface, and for me I’ve found that drawing cards helps me tune in to that which I already know, somewhere inside.

I have fine-tuned the Shaman Oracle cards to my own needs and meditation style. The cards come with a glyph page, a “map of the Shaman’s world,” according to the book. There are five “caves” represented on the glyph page, one for each digit of the hand painted in the center. Each cave corresponds to a different aspect of life.

In my method of using the cards, I draw two cards which correspond to myself (the journeyer) and my spiritual guide (the companion). Then I begin drawing center cards. I draw a card and place it over the corresponding cave. I continue picking cards until I select a card which corresponds to a cave I’ve already covered. Consequently, I may draw only two more cards, if I draw two for the same cave, back-to-back, or I may draw up to six more if I draw one for each cave first. The final card (the repeated one) is the one which corresponds to the spirit world.

I don’t know how clear that is, but I think it will become clearer as I go through the whole process. It’s like reading the rules for a new game. It’s a lot easier (and more fun) to just play the game and figure it out as you go.

This morning, I had a hard time coming up with a specific question. The noise in my head was still very loud, even after quite a bit of quiet meditation. I knew I wanted to find out something about the letter I intend to write to my parents, but I couldn’t get a clear picture of what I wanted to know. Finally, I wrote a question on a piece of paper and placed it in my lap.

*****

Shaman Oracle Meditation

I open the glyph page and smooth it out in front of me.

I pick up three objects: the black stone, the white stone, and the heart charm.

The white stone is a symbol of connection with God. The heart charm symbolizes connection in this world. The black stone has gradually begun to change meaning over time. Just touching it’s cool surface seems to give me a kind of inner strength. It has come to symbolize a completely integrated “me”. (This “me” in quotes is how I identify the part of me that feels most like my adult self. It is the part into which other parts are integrating – sort of the mother ship of personalities.)

To the left of the glyph, I place “The Journeyer” card. I close my eyes and pick up the black stone. It’s like holding all of me in the palm of my hand. When it warms, I place on the left of the glyph, above the card.

To the right of the glyph, I place “The Companion” card. The companion is meant to be my spiritual guide.

I am still in the early stages of understanding this method of reading, but for me, at this time, “The Companion” is C. She is the one who has opened up my spirituality, given me permission and encouragement to explore what my connection to the world and the universe is, and what it means to me.

I hold the heart charm until it’s warm, and then place it above The Companion card.

I hold the white stone, and when it feels right, I place it above the glyph.

I sit with my left hand on the hand painting on the glyph, and my right hand on the deck of cards. I read the question out loud.

 “Am I on the right path as I prepare to set these boundaries with my parents?”

With eyes closed, I hold both hands out, over the spread-out deck of cards until I feel drawn one way or another. I feel a pull to the left and slowly move my hands until I know which card to choose.

The Shaman of Purification

I place this card over the journeyer card. This card will reflect what I need to know about myself. I like that it has come from the Cave of Shaman.

Again, I hold my hands over the deck. I feel pulled to the left, again.

The Dancer of Frustration

I don’t like this card, in this position. I’m nervous about the interpretation as I place it over the companion card. The fact that it is from the Cave of Dancers feels right on… but frustration?

I clear my mind, waiting to interpret until all the cards are drawn and I can read the book. I close my eyes and again hold my hands over the deck. The next cards I draw will represent how this question affects various aspects of my life. This time I’m drawn to a card in the center.

The Shaman of Reflection

I prepare to draw another card. This one comes from the right side of the deck.

The dancer of Joy

I draw another card.

The Hunter of Paths

And another.

The shaman of Foresight

Since I’ve already covered this cave of Shamans, this will be the final card. I place it at the top, near the white stone. This will represent what I can glean from Spirit.

So, I have a total of six cards to help me determine if I’m on the right path, at this time. Since I feel most connected to the Shaman cards, I feel as if drawing three of them out of the six is a good omen. Still, I’m worried…

What is the Dancer of Frustration about?

*****

(to be continued)

Basic Rules for Relationships

You listen to what others need.

You don’t offer what you can’t or don’t want to give.

You ask for what you need.

You take what is offered.

You do not take what is not offered.

Trust is given, not taken.
If someone violates a boundary, it is his or her offense.
If someone does it again, it is your mistake.

Obviously, this can’t apply to children. A child has no choice. She has to trust that adults will do what is right, that her needs will be met, that care will be given.

Trust.
A child has so much trust because she has no choice.

When a boundary is violated, a child doesn't learn not to trust – because that isn't possible. Instead, she learns that she is powerless, that it is hopeless, that she is vulnerable and that the world is a scary and dangerous place. She learns not to ask for what she needs because she will only be given what others decide she will have. She learns to give whatever others want – even before they ask – because she doesn't know she has a choice.

It takes a very long time for that child to learn the basic rules.

I don't have to try to guess what others need.
I can wait to hear what others truly need.
I can decide if I can and will meet those needs for others.

I can ask for what I need.
I can take what is offered.
I can find another way to meet my needs if the person I ask can't help me.

And if someone tries to take what is mine,
what is not offered,
it is not okay!
I don’t have to let anyone take what is mine!
I can be angry and I can say that I am angry, that I will not tolerate it, and I have a choice
a choice!
Who to spend time with and who to stay away from.

I have a choice.

Gains in Therapy

After I sent the first Alternate Hand Writing I'd done to my therapist, I regretted it. It seemed too strange, too “crazy” and I was afraid she would judge me in some way. This has been a common fear throughout therapy. I was judged so relentlessly growing up, that it’s hard to remember that my therapist has never judged me at all.

As I fretted over what her response to my left/right writing would be, a memory popped into my head out of nowhere. It wasn't a new memory, but for some reason it seemed to have a lot of new emotion attached to it. Maybe it's because I didn't acknowledge my feelings much, as a child. I let them build to the breaking point and the, often, I dissociated from my life. Emotions were a pretty foreign thing to me. Mostly, I didn't acknowledge my feelings at all until I reached the breaking point, and then I often dissociated.

But in that moment so many years later, after doing the left/right writing, I felt anger, indignation, sadness, and resentment all pounding in my head, together. I had to keep reminding myself that this was progress. It sure wasn't fun and it would have been easier to just avoid them in one of the myriad of tried-and-true distractions I'd developed in my life.
But I didn't.

The image is of the Resources, the protective side of me, the nurturing side of me and my "Spiritual Core Self" as described in the DNMS process. The Resourses are holding the two dissociated parts that I felt inside, that day, They are (I am) keeping them (me) safe.

At the same time, it felt as if the Resourses were keeping "me" (the part of me that most often feels like me) safe from the dissociated parts. It was like setting a boundary with my own memories and feelings, so that I could put the work on hold until my next appointment with my therapist.

This is something that has been a real struggle for me - trying to work on things when it is time to work and put them aside when it isn't. And this is a small bit of encouragement that I will not always have to wallow helplessly in every feeling that emerges.

More Images

I constantly question whether or not I'm right about my past.

Maybe I'm the one who doesn't remember?  

Maybe I'm wrong?

These are reasons sent to me by my therapist as to why I should trust my own feelings about my parents:

Your children have trouble being around them.

Your husband sees their dysfunction.

Your siblings are not running to spend lots of time with them.......

And that is only as your parents are older and less capable of creating harm.

This drawing is meant to represent the boundary between me and my father. The little child is the wounded part of me that doesn't feel safe around him. In the center are my DNMS Resources - the adult parts of me. There is also a "me" watching from the side, to make sure everything is going okay. She is the one that will determine if something is not the way it should be and take action. The child can trust her to set a boundary when she begins to feel overwhelmed and reactive.