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After I sent the first Alternate Hand Writing I'd done to my therapist, I regretted it. It seemed too strange, too “crazy” and I was afraid she would judge me in some way. This has been a common fear throughout therapy. I was judged so relentlessly growing up, that it’s hard to remember that my therapist has never judged me at all.
As I fretted over what her response to my left/right writing would be, a memory popped into my head out of nowhere. It wasn't a new memory, but for some reason it seemed to have a lot of new emotion attached to it. Maybe it's because I didn't acknowledge my feelings much, as a child. I let them build to the breaking point and the, often, I dissociated from my life. Emotions were a pretty foreign thing to me. Mostly, I didn't acknowledge my feelings at all until I reached the breaking point, and then I often dissociated.
But in that moment so many years later, after doing the left/right writing, I felt anger, indignation, sadness, and resentment all pounding in my head, together. I had to keep reminding myself that this was progress. It sure wasn't fun and it would have been easier to just avoid them in one of the myriad of tried-and-true distractions I'd developed in my life.
But I didn't.
The image is of the Resources, the protective side of me, the nurturing side of me and my "Spiritual Core Self" as described in the DNMS process. The Resourses are holding the two dissociated parts that I felt inside, that day, They are (I am) keeping them (me) safe.
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At the same time, it felt as if the Resourses were keeping "me" (the part of me that most often feels like me) safe from the dissociated parts. It was like setting a boundary with my own memories and feelings, so that I could put the work on hold until my next appointment with my therapist.
This is something that has been a real struggle for me - trying to work on things when it is time to work and put them aside when it isn't. And this is a small bit of encouragement that I will not always have to wallow helplessly in every feeling that emerges.
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i can really identify with your feelings about worrying you're being a bother. you wrote:
ReplyDelete"Sometimes I think you must be getting tired of dealing with me. I really don't want to become someone you dread seeing in your email."
that sounds like a direct quote from me. my ex boss even bought me a notepad that had images of little bugs on the top and it said on each page "sorry to bug you..." because that's how i always was with her.
i didn't think it was funny.
i think this comes from self-loathing. and growing up feeling so invisible and like we're in the way. my mom was so grateful when i would play for long periods of time alone. such a "good child". i remember crying so hard in my room one day and thinking, so this must be loneliness.
i think when we've grown up with love as condiional, we expect that from everyone in our lives. someone wrote me this on my blog in a comment, i'm paraphrasing:
it's exhausting living with the expectation that everyone's love for us is conditional.
worrying so much that i might say the "wrong thing" at any moment, or be "too much". these have been constant battles for me. i'm glad your therapist is so reassuring and unendingly positive. isn't it something how these fears can come up when people do *not* express rejection of us?
i think this is because we are finally being treated the way we should be treated, and some part of us is sure this won't last. i think it brings up pain and anger too because it's a reminder that the way we were treated before wasn't right.
maybe you got out of that car at the gas station more than just because you wanted to play that game with those other kids? (which sounds like a game ironically called "trouble" actually that i remember playing when i was little too). maybe you wanted to go be with another family? when i was little i remember wishing that my "real parents" would ring the doorbell one day and swoop me away to a loving home.
that's terrible they left you and joked about it later. ((safe hug))
i hope things go well for you today and this weekend. that your visit with your mom is a good and experience, that you are able to feel protected and safe and that you have a nice weekend with your family~~
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, mountainmama. I am always glad to see you here :-) just so you know.
ReplyDeleteYou really have a wonderful therapist. I still haven't learned that trick about saving email drafts either! I'm so damned inpatient. I have an answer for why that is. Maybe it's true for you too? The answer is, if I save it as a draft, there's no guarantee I will feel this way at all or know what the hell I'm talking about in the future. There's the gift of DD! Paul
ReplyDeleteI think you are exactly right. When I have waited to say something, I usually don't want to say it anymore by the time I get to it...
ReplyDeleteSome might say that is an indication I didn't need to say it?
hm..
Not always. :-)