Freaking Out Again

I think I feel more confused every day.
I am "in action" but it feels very random, like "lets try this and see what happens" not like "this is the next thing I need to do."

Last week I had this feeling that maybe I needed some more help than I could get once or twice a week. I don't know. Maybe I should have listened to that feeling. It's the first time I've ever seriously considered going to a hospital. I've always felt like I would rather die than do that. I don't even know why. It's just not something I could ever imagine myself doing.

I have noticed, since about tuedsay night, that I don't feel that muted sense of the world. Everything isn't hidden under a veil and things are not quite so dark as they were. No. Now there's intensity. Instead of being shut down constantly, I find I fluxuate between anger, sadness, disappointment and hopelessness.

Dealing with the day to day stuff right now is so much more than I can take. I feel like I don't have a right to how I feel. I have to keep pretending with the kids and when the phone rings and at the grocery store and I am having a harder and harder time doing that. I see myself just screaming at the world and telling them all to go to hell and leave me the fuck alone
and that is not what I want to do.

No solutions today. Just honesty. This SUCKS.