Invisible Red Ink

Anticipation

Obligation

Degradation

Resignation

Tension

Anxiety

Distress and

Full out fear

Hold back

They can’t see what is real

I am here

I am real

But invisible

Notice me!

Doesn’t help

Demanding attention

Doesn’t help

Frustration

Resentment

Anger and

Full out rage

Not fair!

What’s the point?

Fuck you!

Doesn’t help

Lashing out

Doesn’t help

Grief

Gloom

Sadness and

Full out heartache

Don’t cry

If they come when you cry

It is meaningless
Tears

Won’t help

And a lump in my throat

Doesn’t help

I am worthy of love!

Don’t beg

I am not invisible!

Don’t want

Anticipation

If they would just push the film aside

They would see the world

For what it really is

They could see me

For what I really am

They would know

What they want and need and

They could step outside of

Obligation

I want them to be with me

Because they want to be with me

I want to be worthy of their attention

I want them to notice me

Even when I am NOT being a bitch

I want them to see me

When I am NOT crying

I want them to spend time with me

Because it makes them happy

I want to be wanted

And seen

For what I really am

They could love me

If they tried

Degredation

Oh I know what you'll say

It isn’t about me

But do you know why?

It can’t be about me

Because I am hidden

Behind a magic red film

And what I want to be

And do

And have

And what I am

Is written in invisible red ink

Resignation

Unseen

Unwanted

Unknown

I am

Even here

Beneath the film of red

I still am

Even if no one knows

I am

~Shen

When I was little, I had a magic book.

I don't know what it was called or even remember what it was about. What I remember is that on the left hand pages there was writing and on the right hand pages were pictures. In between each page, there was a thin, almost transparent sheet of red cellophane.

The magic was that part of each picture was drawn in the same red as the cellophane. When I looked at it through the red film, the red parts were invisible. Then, when I lifted the thin red film, I would be able to see all the red parts of the pictures. The entire picture would suddenly change and I could see it for what it really was, and always, the change was miraculous and wonderful.

Spending time with my family-of-origin, this past weekend, reminded me of that book. I've changed so much, and being with my family is different than it used to be. I look at them and know what they will do, how they will react in every situation. They all know their roles, and I am very aware of what my role is supposed to be, too.

The thing is, I don’t want to play my role, anymore. I am ad-libbing most of the time, now, it seems, but what is really frustrating is that nobody notices! They just run through their lines, like seasoned actors, and look at the world through a flimsy red curtain, and anything that doesn’t belong to the landscape they expect comes out in invisible red ink.

*****