Left/Right Writing (after failed anger work, this morning.)It's very frustrating. I am exhausted. I don't know what else to say to her... to myself... is it true that crying is... necessary?
What are you thinking and feeling?
Twelve-year-old:
Sad sad sad
Alone
Unsafe
I don’t want to hurt you.
I don’t want to hurt.
I am not ok.
I know. Me either.
I don’t want to take it and hold it and handle it all the time. I want it to all go away and let me live my life.
Twelve-year-old:
I’m sorry.
No! Not you. You need to stay. You need to feel it so we can be done with it all.
Twelve-year-old:
Are you sure that works?
No. They tell me it does. We’ve tried everything else, though. Why not this?
Twelve-year-old:
We tried crying before.
Yes, but we weren’t safe, then. Now we are.
I can keep us safe.
I will keep us safe.
I know I can
I promise I will.
Twelve-year-old:
I don’t know how to cry and I am NOT a crybaby.
No. You're not a crybaby. You're strong. Really strong. You can take so much… but you don’t have to. It’s time to let it go.
Twelve-year-old:
(long pause) I’m strong.
Yes! You are!
Twelve-year-old:
Then I don’t need to cry.
Does it get better then?
Because I can take a lot. Really. A LOT.
I just don't want to take it anymore.
Posts
What a great piece of work.
ReplyDeleteI think the crying and grieving (not being able) has to do with not trusting we will be okay. And also about things being partitioned so we don't have to feel. But as we heal, I think it becomes more of the former.
Paul
Thanks, Paul. It's nice to hear something positive and encouraging.
ReplyDeleteAll I keep hearing from C is that I have to cry, and I can't do that.
She did not tell me good work.
She wrote this:
It takes strength and courage to cry. Crying is not a weakness. Crying is being real. Crying frees us to open more to life, to our Higher Power, to joy.
Does she think I am not trying? Does she think I don't know that?
I am getting pretty fucking frustrated with this whole thing.
If this is what I have to do, then I am totally screwed.
hi shen, it sounds like you're feeling under a lot of pressure.
ReplyDeleteyou're doing just fine. you've done so much work. made so much progress. i'm sure you'll cry in time if that's something you want to do.
someday the tears may just fall. and that is fine. but it's fine if they don't too. you are where you are.
and about C. she is always so supportive. i would imagine that she does think you have done good work. and as for her encouraging you to cry, it sounds as though she wants you to feel there's no shame in it.
you sound angry. perhaps angry at the idea that you are "supposed to cry"
maybe that is why you haven't yet. i don't think crying is something that can be forced. who knows, maybe some part of you feels like it's being told it is "supposed" to cry and doesn't like that.
sending hugs and acceptance~~