A Turning Away

A banging
Why?
Rhythm
WHY?
Pounds out another failure

Turning
Turning away
In a nightmare twirl
Sudden darkness follows blinding light

Far too many didn’ts
Follow a myriad of shoulds
In a broken, twilit landscape

Snippets from outside sources
And snapshots from deep within
Flash striped shutter shadows across our faces

Eyes closed
Unable to see
Hands cover ears
Unable to stop
The
Intrusive
Rhythmic
Pounding

The little one's fists
Are fiery frustration
Her simple request
Floats in a filthy gutter of self-doubt
Surrounded by the marred and ancient walls of unworthiness

I shake my head
Her chin trembles why?

But how can I ever explain it?

I'm tired?
I've had enough?
I don’t want to see!
I don't want to know!
I just don’t fucking care enough because
YOU are just ME and i’m not worth the effort...

Even as a half-remembered promise
Gently pushes the hair from her face
The truth is so harsh
So ugly and cold
Darkness continues to enfold us

Some lives are destined to fail 
Immovable
Breach
And my head shakes again as I turn
Turn away
From arguing echoes ache

Keep trying
I'm not enough
Keep pushing
I've never been enough
No one can do it for you
I'll never be enough

Despising my weakness
I snuggle into a familiar blackness
The cold and dry breast of despair
While the frantic rhythm sounds

My own heartbeat
Pathetic
Becomes a hammer
She just gave up
Pounding home
We always knew she would
The final casket nail

****

This YOU TUBE LINK. The shows a free-spirited little dancer -just s I want to see the little one inside me.