My Journal from today:

I have that feeling again. It's one I never could identify until quite recently. I always was aware of the anxiety, the tension building, but in the past I never could figure out what it was about. Now, i know, from years of therapy, that it is about some part of me, some "child part", that needs something. I am running around the internet like the proverbial headless chicken, looking for somehting that will fix it, but I can't fix it that way. In fact it's making it worse.

I tell myself I don't have time to deal with this right now, but apparently I had an hour to sit here and do all kinds of things that were not helpful at all, including going into a couple sites and posts that I have told myself I would not go into because I have become obsessive about them and I know they are not helping me.

A couple days ago, I identified a problem going back to when I was seven that seems to relate to some of what I've been reacting to. I need to do something with it, find some time to try out what C suggested in an email two nights ago. For some reason, I am afraid to do that, and I don't know why. It's a simple enough exercise, but it involves some meditation, in a way, and I've noticed I've been avoiding that for quite some time. I'm not sure why I would be avoiding meditation, but there is something to that....

A lot of questions this morning.

I have a house full of people, today. We have a family wedding to go to tomorrow, so everyone is in town and several are staying here. I'm going to be making dinner for 16 later, and just got back in town last night, so I have groceries to buy and I still haven't figured out what I'm wearing tomorrow....

It's overwhelming and stressful, and having this other stuff sitting on top is not helping at all and I want to ask God, how can this be the right timing? Why is this happening now?