About my father:
It is intensely sad.
As a child, I couldn't accept that it was not about me.
As long as it was about me, it meant that there was hope.
As long as his lack of concern for me was related to something innately wrong with me, there was a chance I could fix it.
By admitting and completely internalizing the idea that it was about him and his issues all along, I have admitted that I can NEVER change the situation. I have no power over it. He will never love me as a father is meant to love his child.
I don’t think I could have survived that knowledge as a child, so I hid it from myself. It was right there in front of me all along, but I refused to see it. It's another "revelation of the obvious."
The fact that I can see it now points to the strength I have gained along my journey. It’s incredibly hard, but I will survive it. I can do that, now. I can live without that love because I am finding out how to give it to myself.
I was lucky enough to talk to a lot of people yesterday about all of this. I heard a lot of wisdom (and a little bit of crap – but sometimes you have to dig through that to find the real gems). I was comforted by how much people seemed to care.
One good friend, in the real world, gave me two important pieces of this puzzle.:
1) God doesn't tell us what to do. God gave us free will.Okay. I see. My father has free will. His actions do not reflect God.
2) It’s okay to be angry at God. God has big shoulders, and can take it.I took some comfort in that. Being angry at my father was never tolerated. Consequently I have had a lot of guilt and fear about my anger at God.
Last night, I finally had a conversation with God. I haven’t been able to do more than rant for a while now, but I finally broke down and put out there the rest of what is real and true in my heart.
I asked for help.
I asked for patience.
I asked for faith.
I don’t know what more I can do.
Now I am looking for those three things and trying to apply them to my thoughts as they come. I think I turned a corner last night. It’s still going to be rough going, for a while, I’m sure, but I have hope again.
That is the real difference.