************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Freaking Out Again

I think I feel more confused every day.
I am "in action" but it feels very random, like "lets try this and see what happens" not like "this is the next thing I need to do."

Last week I had this feeling that maybe I needed some more help than I could get once or twice a week. I don't know. Maybe I should have listened to that feeling. It's the first time I've ever seriously considered going to a hospital. I've always felt like I would rather die than do that. I don't even know why. It's just not something I could ever imagine myself doing.

I have noticed, since about tuedsay night, that I don't feel that muted sense of the world. Everything isn't hidden under a veil and things are not quite so dark as they were. No. Now there's intensity. Instead of being shut down constantly, I find I fluxuate between anger, sadness, disappointment and hopelessness.

Dealing with the day to day stuff right now is so much more than I can take. I feel like I don't have a right to how I feel. I have to keep pretending with the kids and when the phone rings and at the grocery store and I am having a harder and harder time doing that. I see myself just screaming at the world and telling them all to go to hell and leave me the fuck alone
and that is not what I want to do.

No solutions today. Just honesty. This SUCKS.

Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.