************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Freaking Out Again

I think I feel more confused every day.
I am "in action" but it feels very random, like "lets try this and see what happens" not like "this is the next thing I need to do."

Last week I had this feeling that maybe I needed some more help than I could get once or twice a week. I don't know. Maybe I should have listened to that feeling. It's the first time I've ever seriously considered going to a hospital. I've always felt like I would rather die than do that. I don't even know why. It's just not something I could ever imagine myself doing.

I have noticed, since about tuedsay night, that I don't feel that muted sense of the world. Everything isn't hidden under a veil and things are not quite so dark as they were. No. Now there's intensity. Instead of being shut down constantly, I find I fluxuate between anger, sadness, disappointment and hopelessness.

Dealing with the day to day stuff right now is so much more than I can take. I feel like I don't have a right to how I feel. I have to keep pretending with the kids and when the phone rings and at the grocery store and I am having a harder and harder time doing that. I see myself just screaming at the world and telling them all to go to hell and leave me the fuck alone
and that is not what I want to do.

No solutions today. Just honesty. This SUCKS.


  1. Shen, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Be honest with yourself about safety. This has to be our number one concern.

  2. Thanks Paul.
    I leave for my appt with C in half an hour. I guess I will take it from there.

  3. Shen,
    Just letting you know I am here and listening and caring about how you feel. Empty is such a frightening feeling. I hope with all my heart you were able to talk at your appt. Please let us know how you are when you can.

  4. Vicki, thank you so much for this comment and the one you left on the previous post, a little while ago.
    I think the backlash is part of it...
    In my seesion today, I found another "false belief" that is helping somewhat.

    The belief is that I felt like I had to just wait it out. I kept hearing things like "it has to move through you" and "you have to let it all process." I thought that meant I couldn't do anything in the mean time and I was feeling very helpless and hopeless because nothing seemed to be moving through.

    In addition, it seems that I have never dealt with grief before. It isn't something I've faced. I have found a back door out of it - usually through dissociation - anytime it's come up, so I have no idea how to do this. I was scared - am scared.
    But slightly less hopeless.

  5. i like how paul put it about safety being our number one concern. i am glad that if you felt bad enough that you were willing to consider going into a hospital if you needed to feel safe.

    but after reading your posts after this one, and your comments, it sounds like you are feeling better now.

    one thing it seems you're going through is, now that you're not always dissociating in response to painful emotions, it's as though you're feeling many things for the first time ever. and feelings things so intensely and from one minute to the next.

    i'm sorry about another metaphor, but it reminds me of a memoir i read once about a woman who had been mostly deaf her whole life and she didn't know it. and she was a grown woman when she finally got a hearing aid for the first time. and it was so painful and overwhelming to hear everything for what felt like the first time. it really hurt her ears and part of her wanted to take the hearing aids out and never wear them again.

    but though it's all so painful, it seems like a good sign that you are feeling so many of your feelings and feeling them so strongly.

    i think you are so brave to be dealing with all of this as you are. and that you are able to reach out and ask for support when you need it.

    and as for grief, i feel like i understand your confusion when people say you need to let grief move through and things like that. for me, and i do think it's different for every person and we each may find different things work for each of us, but i feel like allowing grief to move through means more specifically, that i don't try to pretend to be over things before i am. and i don't push myself to be ok with things if i'm not.

    if i'm sad, i let myself feel the sadness. i let myself cry and pat my own shoulder and try to do self-comforting actions like that. and i do what i can to continue living my life, and many day to day things actually help me in times like this. washing the dishes has at times felt very therapeutic for me.

    and just to go easy on myself. not beat up on myself if i'm having a hard day. just do what i can to take care of myself and my loved ones. and as each day goes by, things do end up getting better. i think of it like a rainstorm. it will rain as long as conditions are right for rain, and eventually the rain will pass. and so i think of my tears that way. eventually the sun will come out.

    that's what has been my method. but again, each person is different in how they handle painful feelings. i'm confident you will get to know these new dimensions of yourself, the deep feelings you're experiencing, and how to handle them without feeling as overwhelmed by them.

    but i'm sure feeling overwhelmed is a completely natural way to feel about it all right now. but i believe it will get better.


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Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.