Spirit Walk

How long have you tumbled
Small, smooth, and sand-colored
Turning over and under
While each surge carries you closer to your destiny?

How many lifetimes since you were sun-warmed and dry,
As you passed through fathoms and eons just to end up in my hand?

Ego-drunk and life-blind
I might have stepped right over you
Unseeing

But that which seemed important
Moments ago
Falls behind perspective’s shadow
And inner light shines meaning onto random, toppling stones

Within

She is within, but tomorrow I hope to open the door, once and for all. 

Wish me luck.

Profound Thoughts of the Day

My brother sent me a link to this video and as I watched it, I got the same feeling I had when I did a labyrinth meditation with about twenty others, last Summer.

In a labyrinth (unlike a maze) there's only one entrance, which is also the exit. We took turns entering the labyrinth, waiting about five seconds between each person. At first, I was aware I was following and being followed by someone on the path. It became less clear as I made turns at different times from the people in front and behind me. At times, others seemed to be going to the wrong way - it felt as if they were moving in the wrong direction because they were in the next aisle going the opposite way I was.

The slow pace and the left/right movement of my feet induced an interesting meditative state. It's a sensation like the world suddenly becoming very small, but also clear and sharp. Asudden profound sense of revelation came over me.

We are all on the same path. Some seem to be ahead and behind me or going in different directions, but, really, we are all moving on a predestined path. We started and will end in the same place.

Watching the pendulum, the same sensation came over me. It seemed as if this pendulum might illustrate the feelings I could not adequitely describe fromthe labyrinth experience. 

All the balls were given the same push into life. They are all moving according to the same predetermined rules. They are going the same way within their own set track, but in so doing they create an illusion of fascinating patterns and rhythms.

Shaman and Boundaries - Part One

I’m  having a very hard time staying in my adult self, and keeping myself out of the heavy emotional angst that is obscuring the truth. I want to write the letter to my parents. I want to get a clear picture of what these boundaries should be and of how to inform my parents of my boundaries.

This morning, I sat to meditate, an attempt clear my mind of all the debris that is preventing me from this course of action. As I took deep breaths, I saw the little ones inside and consoled them, again. I promised, as C suggested in an email last night, that I would not send anything to my parents until every one of my parts felt ready.

Then, suddenly, I thought of the oracle cards. I’ve been experimenting with the Shaman Oracle cards since Christmas, trying to learn how they can work for me.

I feel as if there is guidance in drawing cards, as there is in many contemplative activities. It makes sense that when we sit quietly and listen openly we are more likely to hear what is already known in our hearts. These ultimate truths are always there, but they are often hard to hear because a cacophony of chaotic mental noise is ever-present.  

There are many ways to read cards, and there are dozens, if not hundreds, of decks one could choose. My first deck – the Osho cards – were a wonderful opening for me into the world of tarot. One could assume that the spirits/angels/guides/gods are directly moving my hand to choose the proper cards. It honestly does feel that way, at times. Whatever beliefs you have or names you choose to use, if you believe in a guiding force of any kind, why not believe that it is there for you when you look for it?

If this is not something you could believe, you might instead assume that the answers I seek are drawn out through association with generalities written about the cards. It’s true that there could be infinite interpretations, much like with astrological predictions or palm reading or even biblical passages. However, I believe the inner wisdom is always there, under the surface, and for me I’ve found that drawing cards helps me tune in to that which I already know, somewhere inside.

I have fine-tuned the Shaman Oracle cards to my own needs and meditation style. The cards come with a glyph page, a “map of the Shaman’s world,” according to the book. There are five “caves” represented on the glyph page, one for each digit of the hand painted in the center. Each cave corresponds to a different aspect of life.

In my method of using the cards, I draw two cards which correspond to myself (the journeyer) and my spiritual guide (the companion). Then I begin drawing center cards. I draw a card and place it over the corresponding cave. I continue picking cards until I select a card which corresponds to a cave I’ve already covered. Consequently, I may draw only two more cards, if I draw two for the same cave, back-to-back, or I may draw up to six more if I draw one for each cave first. The final card (the repeated one) is the one which corresponds to the spirit world.

I don’t know how clear that is, but I think it will become clearer as I go through the whole process. It’s like reading the rules for a new game. It’s a lot easier (and more fun) to just play the game and figure it out as you go.

This morning, I had a hard time coming up with a specific question. The noise in my head was still very loud, even after quite a bit of quiet meditation. I knew I wanted to find out something about the letter I intend to write to my parents, but I couldn’t get a clear picture of what I wanted to know. Finally, I wrote a question on a piece of paper and placed it in my lap.

*****

Shaman Oracle Meditation

I open the glyph page and smooth it out in front of me.

I pick up three objects: the black stone, the white stone, and the heart charm.

The white stone is a symbol of connection with God. The heart charm symbolizes connection in this world. The black stone has gradually begun to change meaning over time. Just touching it’s cool surface seems to give me a kind of inner strength. It has come to symbolize a completely integrated “me”. (This “me” in quotes is how I identify the part of me that feels most like my adult self. It is the part into which other parts are integrating – sort of the mother ship of personalities.)

To the left of the glyph, I place “The Journeyer” card. I close my eyes and pick up the black stone. It’s like holding all of me in the palm of my hand. When it warms, I place on the left of the glyph, above the card.

To the right of the glyph, I place “The Companion” card. The companion is meant to be my spiritual guide.

I am still in the early stages of understanding this method of reading, but for me, at this time, “The Companion” is C. She is the one who has opened up my spirituality, given me permission and encouragement to explore what my connection to the world and the universe is, and what it means to me.

I hold the heart charm until it’s warm, and then place it above The Companion card.

I hold the white stone, and when it feels right, I place it above the glyph.

I sit with my left hand on the hand painting on the glyph, and my right hand on the deck of cards. I read the question out loud.

 “Am I on the right path as I prepare to set these boundaries with my parents?”

With eyes closed, I hold both hands out, over the spread-out deck of cards until I feel drawn one way or another. I feel a pull to the left and slowly move my hands until I know which card to choose.

The Shaman of Purification

I place this card over the journeyer card. This card will reflect what I need to know about myself. I like that it has come from the Cave of Shaman.

Again, I hold my hands over the deck. I feel pulled to the left, again.

The Dancer of Frustration

I don’t like this card, in this position. I’m nervous about the interpretation as I place it over the companion card. The fact that it is from the Cave of Dancers feels right on… but frustration?

I clear my mind, waiting to interpret until all the cards are drawn and I can read the book. I close my eyes and again hold my hands over the deck. The next cards I draw will represent how this question affects various aspects of my life. This time I’m drawn to a card in the center.

The Shaman of Reflection

I prepare to draw another card. This one comes from the right side of the deck.

The dancer of Joy

I draw another card.

The Hunter of Paths

And another.

The shaman of Foresight

Since I’ve already covered this cave of Shamans, this will be the final card. I place it at the top, near the white stone. This will represent what I can glean from Spirit.

So, I have a total of six cards to help me determine if I’m on the right path, at this time. Since I feel most connected to the Shaman cards, I feel as if drawing three of them out of the six is a good omen. Still, I’m worried…

What is the Dancer of Frustration about?

*****

(to be continued)

The Labyrinth Meditation

I’m always looking for new experiences. So when I read this description of an upcoming event in the area, how could I resist?

This month's meditation will be a special summer edition, a Labyrinth meditation, which will be held outdoors.

For centuries, labyrinths have held great spiritual significance. Labyrinth patterns have been found on pottery and clay tablets dating back 4,000 years. Ancient Egyptians, Greeks, Spaniards, Native Americans, Vietnamese, and South Americans have used labyrinths for thousands of years to draw closer to the divine. During the Crusades, Christians walked the labyrinth to simulate the journey to Jerusalem, in Native American culture, the labyrinth is called the Medicine Wheel, and the Celts described it as the Never Ending Circle. In mystical Judaism, or Kabbalah, The Tree of Life has been likened to the labyrinth.

The labyrinth has been called a metaphor of life’s journey.

This sounded too interesting an opportunity to miss. I had seen something about labyrinth use in Native American traditions. The labyrinth patterns have been found on artifacts all over the world – including in the Americas and Australia. It has been hypothesized that Native Americans arrived on this continent between the time dogs were domesticated (at least eleven thousand years ago) and the time horses were domesticated (less than six thousand years ago). This theory is based on the fact that there were domestic dogs in the Americas, but there were no horses until the Europeans brought them here.

If, as the similarities suggest,the labyrinth idea was carried by the earliest settlers of these continents, then it must date back close to six thousand years. That is fascinating to me.

It was a beautiful July evening. My kids and husband had plans for the evening, leaving me free to check out this labyrinth meditation. The Unity Church where this was being held was over thirty miles from where I live, so I got myself together early, anticipating rush-hour traffic. After a drive which was free of anything one might associate with rush hour, I arrived at my destination a half hour early.

My usually internal chaos began to fight with reality, bringing some panic as I approached the church. I often feel like an outsider in places of worship. Knowing that is a learned response doesn’t make the feelings go away.

Once inside, I could see the Labyrinth through the large windows on the other side of the building. Someone had set it up using stakes (sticking out of the ground about six inches) and what looked like orange tape. I wished I’d brought a camera. I was instantly intrigued by the pattern of orange on the summer-green grass.

Will we stand around it?

Will we walk inside it?

This is the pattern used for the labyrinth.

This pattern is called the Chakravyuha. According to the Mahābhārata, (one of the two major Sanskrit epics of ancient India) It is supposed to look like a blooming lotus flower. The story and this particular labyrinth pattern is thought to date back to about 400 BC.

While I was researching labyrinths in order to write this review, this morning, I came across these paragraphs:

When walking through a labyrinth, your body tends to turn back and forth - first you're moving right, next you're going to the left, with a 180 degree turn each time. This causes you to shift your awareness from the right side of the brain to the left, and then back again. It is believed that this is one of the reasons why a labyrinth walk can induce varied states of consciousness.

Consider for a moment what problems -- either physical, spiritual, external, or emotional -- you would like to find a resolution for at this time. As you walk towards the center, you will begin working out solutions for your problem.

You can read the rest of this article here

This sounded so much like what I do in the DNMS sessions with C that I have to wonder how much of a role the left/right shift actually played in my euphoric feeling last night.

For a Wednesday night, the Unity Church seemed pretty busy. People were talking in the hall, while others were carrying guitars and other instruments. A book store was open and several people were milling about. I asked if anyone knew what was going on with the labyrinth meditation, but those I spoke with said only, “Well, there is a labyrinth in the garden… they built it this afternoon.”

Standing around there I was beginning to feel very out of place. I was refusing to let myself give into panic, but I was considering the options.

My car is only a few steps out the door.

At around seven fifteen a group of women, all with a purposeful gate and friendly demeanor, came through the doors. I asked them if they knew about the labyrinth meditation.

They did. They welcomed me warmly and invited me to join them outside, to wait near the labyrinth. I began to feel much calmer.

One woman was wearing an ID around her neck, which said “Chaplain”. I am so ignorant of terms like this that I really am still not certain what that means, but I gathered that she was somehow connected to the church. As we all sat outside on a patio and waited for the festivities to begin, we introduced ourselves.

The topic of religion and spirituality was a natural at an event like this. It was quite obvious they all knew each other, but they did their best to make me feel included. They asked me what had brought me to this event. I told them I'd found the announcement online, that it sounded interesting, that I hadn’t been raised in any faith, but I have been looking into all the possibilities, recently. I mentioned my fascination with Shamanism, and said I had been to the Unitarian Universalist church a few times.

The Chaplain said I should come by on a Sunday.

She said it calmly, with a friendly, relaxed face, but I was wary of being coerced. A memory from my childhood flashed in my mind.

I had accompanied my grandparents and my great aunt to a Southern Baptist church when I was around ten years old. There wer people walking up to the front, in tears, and I was not at all certain what was going on. In all honesty, I'm still not clear what this was about. I was already kind of afraid, seeing these adults crying as they approached the altar. Then, my great aunt turned to me and asked if I ever felt lost.

I had no idea what she meant by this and I knew I didn't have time to figure it out, then. It was obvious to me that the wrong answer to this question was going to lead to me having to walk up that aisle in tears, just as I'd seen these adults do. My grandmother, who was standing on the other side of me put an arm around me and pulled me to her, while she chastised her sister.

I have not thought of that in so many years, but right now I can almost feel that protective arm around me.

I told the Chaplain that this was a long way from my house, and then changed the subject as quickly as I could. I asked if the Unity Church is like the Unitarian Universalist Church - since this is the only church I've attended in recent history.

The answer was no, and then was softened to, “not really.”

There was an awkward pause. Choosing her words carefully, the Chaplain told me that while the Unity Church did follow the teachings of Christ, they did not acknowledge his divinity. I wish I could remember exactly how she said it; what you are reading here is only my interpretation.

It’s interesting to me that I may have, in my wanderings, stumbled onto the only two “churches” that do not consider Christ to be the one and only savior. Of course, I don't really know this, but I can tell you that there are a lot of people in the Baptist church I occasionally attended as a child with one grandmother, and the catholic church I occasionally attended with my other grandmother, who would not be very receptive to this concept.

I had the sense that there was tension among all the women around me as they waited for my response.

I said, “So you think of Christ more as a prophet.”

Someone repeated the word Prophet, and there seemed to be a silent sigh of relief all around me as the Chaplain smiled and nodded.

By seven thirty there were around twenty people outside on the little patio. A woman came out and told us that we were meeting inside, first, and we all filed into the hall and then into a lovely chapel. I can’t tell you what it was, exactly – the bright light coming in, the soft meditation music, the air which seemed to be slightly perfumed with yesterday’s candles or incense – but something made me feel very comfortable.

A man went to the front of the room to join the woman who had called us all inside. I had a strong sense that I’d seen him before, but I couldn’t place where it was. When everyone was seated, he asked that we, one at a time, say our name and then one word of “intention”. I listened as others said their names, but was really focused on the word that followed. I loved what I was hearing – peace, wisdom, stillness, courage, harmony, understanding, strength, and all were said with conviction.

I had a dozen words swirling in my head, from which I would have to choose just one. I felt a renewed need to let go of some things that had been dragging me down all week. Letting-go was really what I wanted to say, but it was two words and – me being me – I had taken the instructions very literally. The word I chose was “Release.”

Next, they explained what was going to happen. We were going to do a group meditation in the room, then they would signal us to go outside about five at a time. Once outside, we would walk the labyrinth, in silent contemplation. While we would all be in the labyrinth at the same time, it would be easier to navigate if we were spaced out a bit.

A labyrinth has only one entrance, which is also the exit. It was suggested that we take a moment to think about our word of intention before stepping inside the labyrinth. We would follow the path, which would lead us eventually into the center, and then take a moment of contemplation before turning around and heading back out. At times there would be people going both ways on the three-foot-wide paths. When we had completed the labyrinth, we were to come back inside for a closing meditation.

It sounded simple enough. I admit, there was a moment when I wondered if this was really going to be worth the forty-minute drive.

It was.

There are some experiences one can hear about and get a pretty good understanding. I am going to do my best to share this with you, but there really was something about physically walking the path that brought home fundamental truths I’ve been trying to solidify in my mind for some time.

The music was turned up just a little.
Words of meditation were spoken in a soft but deliberate tone.
I closed my eyes and put my hands, palms up, on my knees.
I went pretty deep with my meditation, almost forgetting where I was. Sometimes this seems very easy for me, and this was one of those times.
I was a little surprised by a tap on the shoulder. The man said my name, which surprised me as well. He remembered my name. He signaled that I should move outside.
I walked through the door and saw shoes lying here and there and I know I smiled. The idea of feeling the grass under my feet seemed exactly right. I kicked off my sandals and approached the entrance to the labyrinth feeling a connection to the solidness of the ground beneath me.

Release

The energy was really strong as I passed the threshold. I put my foot down inside and then took another step and from that point on each time I placed my foot on the ground it was with intention.

Once or twice, I worried if my pace was all right. I wasn’t gaining on the woman in front of me, but I wondered how close the man behind me was. I admit I stepped outside my meditative state long enough to check on that as I rounded the first bend.

While the initial turns took me towards the center, the path then began to lead back towards the outer edge. I think that is when I had my first feeling of excitement. Suddenly, I understood the connection between the labyrinth and life. There seemed to be a real correlation between the path I was walking on that summer grass and the one I had been traveling since my birth.
Each step I took made this feeling more clear.

I am on my own path.
There are people traveling in the same direction as I am, but we each have to walk the path in our space, at our pace.
I see people who seem to be going the wrong direction, but I know now that in reality they are only a little ways back or further along on the journey.
I could try to step off the path, to push my way onto another lane and continue in another direction – but in reality it would not take me anywhere except where I am meant to go, anyway.
I will be led to the center and then there will be nowhere to go but back out.
We all begin and end in the same place.
We all follow our own path.
We all walk together and alone.
We must make room for others to pass us at times, stepping aside while still continuing on our own journey.
In the end, we will all reach the same destination.

I saw the first person step out of the labyrinth and I thought of my mother, so much nearer the end than I am. I felt such sadness for her, in that moment – not because her journey is closer to over, but because of how narrow and dark her path has been. I realized that she could not have been or done anything different.

This was her life path, these were her lessons to learn, and it wasn’t about me at all.

I’ve had such anger at my mother for the last few weeks - old anger, ancient in terms of our lives here on this Earth. Suddenly I felt a shift, a softening… and it was so overwhelming I actually teared up.

Back and forth, the labyrinth led me. The energy of others was strong and I felt I must have been exuding energy of my own.

The person in front of me slowed down and I realized we were nearing the center. I stopped briefly before turning onto the last lane that led to a small circle. I took three slow steps, and then a fourth brought me right into the middle of the circle.

Release

All around me people were slowly wandering their paths, seemingly in every direction and yet I knew that they were all really on the same path as I was.

The only path
In and then out
Guided, led, brought to where we need to be

While it may seem as if there are infinite ways to wander, the reality felt so clear to me, right then. We are all heading back to the place where we started. On the way, we will sometimes face the center and other times it will be behind us and hard to find. At times we will find that center and if we look up at that moment we will notice that all around us life is going on as it does, as it must, and then we will turn to be a part of it, again.

We will spend our lives moving in and out
Moving away from birth
And towards death
But always
Always
We are being guided on a path that will lead us where we are meant to be
which is right back where we started.

I felt exhilarated as I made the trip back out. While I followed the path towards the edge, towards the center, towards another edge, I knew that no matter where the path led I would eventually be at the starting place, again.

I was heading back home, to a place I knew, with a journey behind me that was carefully planned and marked off so I would not get lost -- and as planned, I found my way out and paused once more before stepping away from the labyrinth.

I found my shoes.
I walked inside the church and took the same seat I’d had before.
The music was soothing and sweet.
I closed my eyes
People filed in behind me, one by one

The woman who had first told us to come inside at the beginning stood up at the front again. She read a meditation that echoed all the thoughts I’d had as I’d walked through the labyrinth. What she said was so close to what I had experienced and thought, that I knew when I wrote this now it would be hard to do so without saying almost exactly what she was saying.
It gave me so much comfort to hear her speak of being guided, of lives that cross ours briefly and people who walk the path with us, of paths that lead where we are meant to go…

I knew as I listened to her that I was not the only one who had been thinking these thoughts. I imagined the Roman soldier, young, afraid, perhaps about to be sent to a country he’d never heard of, entering the labyrinth. I imagined a young Mayan on a vision quest, wandering between the great mounds that had been created in patterns very much like the labyrinth I’d just been in. I felt a sense of awe that somewhere, someone had realized that walking through a labyrinth, from side to side, to the center and back, would evoke these important spiritual concepts in others, and I wondered at all the people who had found these same truths on the paths of an ancient labyrinth.

On my way out of the church, I stopped to chat for just a moment. I said, “It was awesome,” and felt as if that hardly covered it. One woman looked at me with a glow in her eyes that told me she knew what I was feeling. “Yes, it was,” she said emphatically.

I asked if anyone could take a picture of the labyrinth and email it to me. The man who has spoken at the front of the church – the one I am still certain I’ve seen somewhere before – told me he might have a chance to get a picture from the roof on Saturday, and if he could he would send it to me. If I get that picture, I will post it here as soon as it arrives.

On an impulse, I asked the Chaplain, “What time on Sunday?” I realized as I said the words that I really would like to see what it’s like to be part of the service in this very friendly place. There didn't seem to be any coersion, any strong persuasion that things must be done their way, and that made me feel much more comfortable with the idea of listening to what they had to say.

She said, “Nine and eleven – eleven is livelier.”

I said, “I’m likely to be livelier at eleven, as well.”

They thanked me for coming and I thanked them for having me.

I needed this last night. I really needed to find this connection to my higher power, to feel it and know it like this. This morning I have a sense of the path I am following, and I’m so glad my path led me to a labyrinth outside a welcoming church on a warm July night.

****

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*****

Mirror Mirror

I slept last night. If I dreamt, I don’t remember. I woke up rested, with only an hour before it would be time to leave. If there is a word for how I felt, I don’t know it. Calm-excitement, peacefully-energized… Whatever I might call it, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be.

I ate and drank my coffee, still debating what to bring with me. The Rainbow Lady hadn’t asked me to bring anything, but I felt as if I should have something of mine there.

A connection to something... A comfort item... Some kind of symbol or representation of
What?

I’d been thinking about it for days, and had vetoed every thought I had.

Fifteen minutes before I left home, I decided to draw cards. It was a spectacular draw.
Harmony, first.

"Let yourself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for you just around the corner. Nobody else can point it out to you, and when you find it you won't be able to find the words to express it to others. But it's there, deep within your heart, ripe and ready to be discovered."

Yes, that is definitely the issue of the day… harmony - with myself. And I have to figure it out myself. Interesting.
The internal influence – The Master
The Master the only card that has no number. The purple diamond of a Major Arcana sitting under the picture is the only designation.

"The Master in Zen is not a master over others, but a master of himself --and this self-mastery is reflected in his every gesture and his every word. He is not a teacher with a doctrine to impart, nor a supernatural messenger with a direct line to God, but simply one who has become a living example of the highest potential that lies within each and every human being. In the eyes of the Master, a disciple finds his own truth reflected. In the silence of the Master's presence, the disciple can fall more easily into the silence of his own being. The community of seekers that arises around a Master becomes an energy field that supports each unique individual in finding his or her own inner light. Once that light is found, the disciple comes to understand that the outer Master was just a catalyst, a device to provoke the awakening of the inner."

Divine guidance
The external influence was We Are The World
This is the fourth time I’ve drawn this card in the last four days. Four draws, and four times I had this card, and three of those times it was in this exact position – the external influence. Out of 79 cards… what are the odds?

"This card represents a time of communication, of sharing the riches that each of us brings to the whole."

What is needed for resolution? Nothingness.
Another Major Arcana
Drawing this card does not mean than nothing is needed… it means that there needs to be space, an opening, a place where there is room for something important to come in. That seemed exactly like what I needed – space for the missing pieces to return to.

The final card… the resolution… what would I get if I resolved this?
A third Major Arcana: Completion.

“Here, the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle is being put into its place, the position of the third eye, the place of inner perception.

Whatever has been absorbing your time and energy is now coming to an end. In completing it, you will be clearing the space for something new to begin. Use this interval to celebrate both - the end of the old and the coming of the new.”

Enough said.


I was very glad I’d drawn the cards. It felt as if all the signs were pointing in the same direction.
I decided to take the five cards I'd drawn, and the book with me. It was time to leave.

I was early. I parked a little ways away so I could walk a bit, but I was still early.
I paced in the lobby, went to peak at her door – slightly ajar.
What does that mean? Should I knock?
It was still a few minutes before eleven. I decided to wait.

It wasn’t long before she came out and found me. I followed her into the room, taking in the comfort of the space – white noise with soft birds’ sounds, sweet scented essential oils with floral undertones, soft light made softer as she pulled curtains over the window and  closed door.
She pulled a curtain over the doorway, making it feel safe... protected from the outside world.
She turned on soft music.
I moved cushions aside and sat in the deep couch, pulled the cards and book from my purse, and congratulated myself for not panicking.

I know how I am… in the car I was telling myself that I was going to “go for it.”
This is the exact phrase that had run through my head the day I did my Soul Declaration, back in November. Too often, I don’t make myself “go for it.” I hold back, I allow fear to keep me from saying what I want to say, being who I want to be.
I’d met the Rainbow Lady only once before, and I’d been tongue-tied and awkward as an eight-year-old. Here it was, only the “second date” and I was jumping into something that felt very personal and very important. The only way this was going to work was if I made myself do what I was going there to do – and that meant speaking up.

The soft light and the sense of being so separate from the rest of the world really helped. Even so, I was nervous as I first started to show her the cards I’d brought. I  asked her if she knew these cards.
She said she hadn’t seen this kind before… but she did have some other cards.
I’m still not sure what she thought of them, but she seemed receptive to what I was saying. She could tell I was excited about them, and she seemed to share my excitement. She said I could leave them where I'd set them out, if I liked.
I did.

Then she asked me some hard questions.
Maybe these would not be hard for everyone, but for me asking what makes me uncomfortable makes me very uncomfortable!
From what I’d written here about our first encounter, she gathered that I’d been uncomfortable with the long pauses. I would have to go back and see what I wrote… I don’t remember saying that, but most likely I did because I am uncomfortable with long pauses. I feel as if it is my job to fill them and that makes it hard to find any words inside my head except, "Say something!"
She asked if I had suggestions about the pauses... I didn't. There's no way not to leave space for people to say something, I guess... even if they have nothing to say. How can she know if I have anything to say if she doesn't leave space?

We also talked about how I’d reacted to the idea that, during the meditation, I would have to imagine going down ten flights of stairs. I know, my mind is pretty concrete about things, so that is probably part of why I felt a little panicky at that thought. In my mind, if I have to go down ten flights of stairs it means I am either up ten stories or I will have to descend ten levels underground. Neither of those appealed to me.

Maybe most people would not think about it so literally, but I think that is also part of my “hyper-vigilance” about knowing where I am. So many times I’ve awakened to find I didn’t know where I was, or even when I was… and I’ve felt responsible for myself since I was very young. These things make me feel as if it is important to know where I am, and if I am going to head down ten flights of steps, I guess I need a starting point.

She asked if the tower I’d created as a starting point, last time, felt safe.
I said yes.
Then she asked if I was ready.
(gulp)
Yes.

She dimmed the lights more and then began to talk me down the flights of steps. Again, I glanced out the windows I found at each level. I think she said something about seeing a number, but I’m not certain. At any rate, a number appeared above the windows at each level, indicating what floor I was on.

At the bottom, I felt excited. I knew that the bench and the purple meadow were just outside the door. When I stepped outside, I could see the flowers, the bench and the woods beyond. It felt like coming home. I could smell the lavender. I could feel the sun. It was peaceful, and more perfect than reality could provide.

I sensed the deer just beyond the first trees – not just one, but several – but I could not see them. I understood they were going to stay back and let me find my own way, this time.

She said something...
A hill?
I knew there was no hill near the purple meadow. Regardless, just as the water that had appeared the last time I was in this idyllic space, I understood that there was now going to be a hill. I turned, and there it was, rising up behind the trees.
I followed a path to through the woods and then started up the hill.
A… crystal mountain?
This was harder. I felt so relaxed and calm that I didn’t panic, but I did wonder how a crystal mountain could suddenly be there –
But she said it would be there, and it appeared to be true. I reached the top of the hill, and saw a path leading up the side of a beautiful crystal mountain.

As I climbed the path, she had me put down a heavy backpack, and a little later, another pack. I can’t remember what they had in them… but it made perfect sense at the time. I left the packs behind and continued my ascent.

At the top, surrounded by enormous spires of crystal, there was a castle. When I looked beyond the mountain and the castle, nothing else seemed to exist – just an indigo sky. The castle walls were sturdy and thick. The door was huge, heavy, and strong. I looked at the pointed arch above my head, at the metal studs that lined the edges of the doorway…

whatever is behind this door is safe and secure.

Even so, I was sure the door would open, for me. I pushed it just a little, and it opened right up.
I waited to see what she would say next with quiet anticipation. This entire time, the excited-calm had stayed with me. Expectation – a child running down the stairs on Christmas morning – wrapped up in amazing peace.

And then she said,
"In this room, you’ll find a mirror."

I don't know why the idea scared me so much. I had a sudden nightmare sense -
the mirror won't be there
the mirror will be there
Why does that scare me so much?
The mirror appeared
An antique, full-length oval in a metal stand, right in the middle of the room

I edged towards the mirror...

Infinite Love and Gratitude

Last night I went to a Lifeline Technique presentation.

The Lifeline Technique was created by Dr. Darren Weissman of Chicago. He studied various modalities: Chiropractic, Chinese Medicine, Acupuncture, Ayurvedic Medicine, Total Body Modification, Neuro Emotional Technique, Shakras, Muscle Reflex testing, and others.

Using pieces from all of these he developed the Lifeline Technique which is described as “Conscious Body-Conscious Mind Training.”

He asks, “Are you ready to stimulate your senses, open your heart, and be empowered with practical tools, strategies, and support to live a purposeful and meaningful life?”

It sounded interesting, and it was a free presentation. I went in with an open mind. I can’t say I was convinced that this is the answer to all my problems.... but it was interesting.

The basic concept is this: If we can send “Infinite Love and Gratitude” (their key catchphrase) to everything – all things physical, mental and emotional, all things past, present, and future, all things that exist, have existed or may one day exist in the universe  – then we will find peace and live happy, healthy lives.

There is a long protocol used to get to this point of "infinite love and gratitude." Eric, the man who was giving the presentation was trained by Dr. Weissman. I felt as if he truly believed what he was presenting.

Here’s what I took away from it:
On the negative side::
• Like many spiritual and religious people, he had a tendency to speak in absolutes. He would say, “This is how it is.” If he had instead said, “This works for me,” or “This is what I believe,” it would have been easier to keep an open mind.
• This seems to me to be a concept that could be applied to groups of people, or even to “everything in the universe” as he claimed. However, instead of presenting it as a tool to help bring positive energy to all living things (something that was mentioned in passing at the end when someone asked about it directly) it was presented as a “quick-fix” for life’s personal problems – like fear, trauma, grief and even life-threatening diseases. Perhaps its true that the body can heal itself, but telling someone who is sick that this is the only thing they need to get well seems like a dangerous thing indeed.
• There was talk of "Intention" - which I understood to mean that the group could focus positive energy together in a way that could be healing to the universe. This is a concept I've come across before. I would have liked to have heard more about that and less about how to fix personal issues.

On the positive side:
• There were times when I closed my eyes and opened my mind and heart to what he was saying and could feel the positive energy in the room in a way that I rarely have.
• When I tried to apply what he was saying to my personal life and history, I had a “revelation of the obvious”.
Revelations of the Obvious is a term I invented a couple years ago, in therapy. I have had these so many times, now, that I couldn’t possibly remember them all. Maybe you have had them, too?
This is what happens: I  have an “ah ha” moment. Something becomes crystal clear in my head and I feel pieces fitting together in a way that makes sense. Then, I try to explain it to someone but I realize that there was no way to explain it without saying exactly what I’d heard from others in the past! It isn't a new idea at all, but a new way to understand something I've heard before.

Last night, I had this "revelation of the obvious": As we were going through the protocol, he would pull out something and ask how it pertained to us, personally. I would think of something – it might be an an emotion or an event from the past, a current physical sensation, thought or emotion, or something I wanted in the future. I would close my eyes and visualize the "issue". Then, he would do his “Infinite Love and Gratitude” thing – whether the "issue" was something positive or negative. We would all say it together and I would focus on sending infinite love and gratitude to whatever I had been visualizing.

Then, suddenly, it dawned on me that if I completely accept ALL aspects of myself – the things that I think of as good and those that I think of as bad – I could find peace.!Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to leave things the way they are or that you have to like things the way they are. It only means that you ACCEPT that this is how they are or were or may be. Once you accept it, you can send it love and gratitude. Infinite Love and Gratitude! You can do this because all things are equally valuable – things that are good and things that are not good. They are equally valuable because every tiny detail of the past is necessary for us to be in the present we find ourselves in and every single detail of the present is going to contribute to the future we will one day be in.

So, I haven’t been able to come up with a way to say it and not sound cliché... but this is it in a nutshell: My revelation of the obvious is that love, gratitude and acceptance are the answer to everything.

Others have been saying this kind of thing to me for years, but I think it’s impossible to explain this to someone else. If we could explain it, we would have all the answers, already, but the only way to understand it is to experience it.

Some time ago, I came up with a “roads to Rome” theory. You’ve probably heard the expression, “All roads lead to Rome.” In Europe, a couple thousand years ago, all roads DID lead to Rome. The Roman Emperor was very powerful and had the resources to build roads. Consequently, roads were built from Rome to every place the Emperor deemed worthy.

My theory is that if God wants us to find him, then he’s built a lot of roads. I believe we each have our own road and it is our life’s work to find our own path. There is no one, right way, but I enjoy being in the room with someone who has found their road. That was the best part of the presentation. I was in the presence of someone who was confident and comfortable with the road they were travelling and that gave me hope and inspiration to keep searching for my own road.

An Awareness of the Grace of God

One of my odd quirks is that I have a very hard time understanding metaphors or allegorical speech. I know it's odd. I create metaphors all the time in my writing and so some people find this surprising. 
Because of my concrete view of the world, I have a hard time knowing what is meant by simple "old sayings" like:

A rolling stone gathers no moss (well, it couldn't possibly while it was moving, but, it can't roll forever, and eventually, when it stops, moss might grow on it... right?)

Don't cry over spilled milk (it’s only milk, why would I cry, unless it was the only milk I had and I had a hungry child, and then we both might cry...?)

Don’t burn your bridges behind you (well, no, that would be stupid. What if I wanted to go back? But if the bridge was dangerous, maybe there's a way around…?)

You get the idea. For some reason it seems to me that people are purposely saying something other than what they are trying to say, and then everyone but me seems to get know what it's supposed to mean.

So, I have trouble with a lot of what I read, and it seems to be especially true when I read books on religion, philosophy, and spirituality. The language sounds pretty and deep and intriguing, but I don’t know what they are trying to say.

Recently, someone I admire gave me a book called “Practicing the Presence”, by Joel S. Goldsmith. She suggested that I read it one paragraph at a time, and meditate on each paragraph until I understood it.

Today I read the first two paragraphs (they were quite short). I read them both about a dozen times. I thought deeply about each word, phrase, and sentence for quite a while.
I pulled it out again, about an hour ago, hoping that some meaning would have seeped into my brain, but if it did, it was like water running through a sieve. (See, I can come up with a metaphor and likely you know what I mean. If I look at it too closely, I wonder how thoughts could be water, and where they would go if they ran through my mind and out again... but that's beside the point.)

So, I spent the last hour deciphering the words and rewriting what I think it means in a way that make sense to me.

Here are the original words from the book:

The secret of harmonious living is the development of spiritual consciousness. In that consciousness, fear and anxiety disappear, and life becomes meaningful with fulfillment as its keynote.
The degree of spiritual consciousness which we attain can be measured by the extent to which we relinquish our dependence on the external world of form, and place our faith and confidence in something greater than ourselves, in the Infinite Invisible, which can surmount any and every obstacle. It is an awareness of the grace of God.

Here is how I broke it down:

The secret of (What I am searching for/trying to understand)

harmonious living (feeling like I am living the life I want to live/knowing that I am exactly where I should be)

is the development of (develop/grow)

spiritual consciousness. (a connection to God.)

In that consciousness, (When I feel connected to God,)

fear and anxiety disappear, and life

becomes meaningful (feels worthwhile)

with fulfillment (I had to look this up because I didn’t have a clear idea of what was meant by fulfillment in this context)

Fulfillment: a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires
• the act of consummating something (a desire or promise etc)

• fulfilling - Which causes fulfillment; emotionally or artistically satisfying


with fulfillment (hope/contentment/satisfaction)

as its keynote. (at my center)

The degree of spiritual consciousness which we attain (My closeness to God)

can be measured by

the extent to which we relinquish our dependence (how much I can let go of)

on the external world of form, (the physical world)

and place our faith and confidence in (and trust)

something greater than ourselves, in the Infinite Invisible, (God)

which can surmount any and every obstacle. (to take me down the path I am meant to be on.)

It is an awareness of the grace of God. (Again, this phrase – the Grace of God – I had heard numerous times but still was not sure what it really meant.)

From wikipedia: The New Testament word that is usually translated "grace" is in Greek charis (χαρις). which literally means "that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness".
From a website about faith: When we speak of God's grace, we mean all the good gifts we enjoy freely in life. There are so many. We could spend a lifetime celebrating them: blackberries, buttercups, moonlight, salamanders, etc. A more summary approach is to affirm that life itself is the fundamental gift, with all its delights. For us, the gift of life includes the wondrous gift of being human, finding ourselves plopped down in the midst of the larger gift of creation. That is the bedrock of grace—creation, life, human being. As humans, we are given a unique place in the created order. The creation stories in Genesis are ways of celebrating this original grace. In the stories, God pronounces all creation, including humankind, very good, that is, full of grace.


It (my connection to God)

is an awareness (is knowing/trusting)

of the Grace of God (the gifts God has for me)

And this is my final interpretation of the passage:

The way to be who I am meant to be is to grow in my connection to God. When I feel connected to God, fear and anxiety disappear, and life feels worthwhile. When I feel connected to God, hope, contentment and satisfaction are at my center. My closeness to God can be measured by how much of the physical world I can turn over to God and how much I can trust God to take me down the path I am meant to be on. If I trust in God I will receive the gifts he has for me. I will find my true path and feel peace in knowing that I am exactly where I need to be.

I put this all here because I am hoping that some of you can tell me if this feels right? I still can’t seem to look at what was written in that book and read it to mean what I wrote… so did I embellish and invent what I wrote or is that what others would also find in these two paragraphs?

Opening the Door to Me

As my life becomes more my own, I find myself creating much more hopeful images. Here are a few I created during the Summer of 2008.

The comments below are about both the images here, and the text I've deleted (2-21-12) as I continue to write my memoir.