(continued from last post)
With all the cards in place, I turn to the page about the first one I drew: The Shaman of Purification. It sits on The Journeyer card to remind me that this card reflects what I can learn from my own inner guidance.
Since it is the first Shaman card drawn, it is related to the first of five “indicators” about the Cave of Shamans. I’m a little startled to see that the first Shaman indicator is “Boundaries”. “Cleansing the spirit.”
Since this is the first card I drew, I read the first of seven interpretations.
“Purification means getting rid of stale ways of thinking that can hold us back. Entering any new phase of development requires us to reassess what has gone before and, where necessary, purge ourselves of attitudes that are no longer appropriate. The Shaman of purification is with us whenever we embark on something new, helping us to prepare for what lies ahead by cleansing the soul and imbuing us with fresh purpose. “
I close my eyes and feel as if this guide is with me, holding my hand.
The second card is meant to help me understand what my spiritual guide – who I think of as C - is telling me. Since this is the first card from the Cave of Dancers, I look up the first indicator: “Home”.
The idea of “going home” has been in my head for weeks. It is related to the very little one inside. She never felt as if she was home after we moved out of the apartment and into the big house. I thought about how this relates to my "Spritual Guide", and thinking of “home” in connection with C felt good. She is helping me find my center, that welcoming home we all carry inside us.
Since this was the second card drawn, I read the second interpretation: “Weakened Resolve”. I puzzled over this, wishing I could deny any weakening of my resolve about this issue.
Well… I have been fluctuating on this, a lot. I feel as if I have to do this, but I can’t seem to make myself push forward... and I don't know why.
“The Dancer of Frustration [...] encourages us to look beyond the obvious and find a new path that may lead us to greater joys and richer rewards than the original path we sought to take. The moment we can visualize that new path, is the moment we can begin to move forward again.”
Is there anything C been encouraging me to do that I'm not doing?
I remember the comment C made when I first announced that I was not cutting ties with my parents:
“What you are considering does seem to be in alignment with your deepest self, with spirit. It is hard, and it is of the core of your being.”
That can't be it.
The last line in the book, about visualizing the new path, suddenly clicks in a new way. Other things C has said begin to fall into place.
“Assure all parts of you that you are not going to say anything to your parents until all are ready.”
“You have time.”
I have been in a hurry to get through with this unpleasantness, but suddenly I know that’s not the way it has to be. I have a reprieve, a couple of months while my parents are in Florida for the winter. I can use this time to ready myself.
I take a moment to look inside, at the eight-year-old and the very little one who have been so present lately. The eight-year-old has begun to integrate, but there is a big trust issue I’ve been ignoring. I think I understand it now.
“I won’t rush you,” I tell them. “I promise. I won’t do anything until you’re ready.”
I smile a little as I think that maybe C is a little frustrated with my constant, frantic pushing forward.
How many times has she told me it’s okay to take a break?
How many times has she told me it’s okay to take a break?
The three cards I’ve placed in the center represent how the question relates to various aspects of my life right at this moment. I feel much calmer as I read about the next card.
The Shaman of Reflections is the second Shaman card drawn. The corresponding indicator is: “Divisions”. Since it’s the third card I drew, I look up the third interpretation.
“Acknowledging the Truth.
The Shaman of Reflections teaches us to look in the mirror and be challenged by what we see. We may encounter a person, or a situation, or an aspect of our life that we have hidden from. We may need to take heed and change paths accordingly.”
Again, this seems to be begging me to take more time to reflect.
I look up the appropriate indicator and interpretations for the Dancer of Joy: “Protection” and
The dancer in this image shows up a sheer, unbridled fountain of life bursting forth and transforming everything it touches. Joy enters us at moments of heightened awareness, of delight and passion, of truthfulness and hope. It carries us far above any other feeling or experience and establishes with us a core of energy that is always there to be tapped.”
Putting the words protection and happiness in one thought brings me a feeling of hope. I have a sense, as I read the passage that if I do this right, I will be able to find joy in life in a way that has always been lacking.
And... maybe I won’t only find it for myself… maybe there is also a way to bring joy to others who are so unhappy.
For all they’ve done and not done in the past, I still feel sorry for my parents. They are not happy in their lives and they search constantly for someone or something to fill the void within. It is that hole-in-the-soul emptiness that has caused them to behave in such harmful ways.
I'm afraid to hope. I'm trying very hard to let go of hope when it comes to my parents, to only count on those things I know I can control - which is really only myself. It's really impossible to give up completely.
I know I can’t do anything about them… but maybe I can find this joy for myself and if I do, it may be that it expands beyond me.
The final center card is the Hunter of Paths. Since my question and all my thoughts have been directly about finding and following the right path, this card seems most fitting.
The indicator is “Beginnings.”
This is a new beginning.
The interpretation is, “Discovering Shortcuts.”
Huh… just when I decided I’ve been rushing too much – a shortcut? Then again, if there was a shortcut, I wouldn’t feel so rushed, would I?
I reread the words "carefully choose which path to follow".
“The Hunter of Paths is depicted here leaping onto the back of a creature whose long neck gives a clear view in every direction. With this Hunter by our side, we to can enjoy that clarity of vision, and with it carefully choose which path to follow. This Hunter’s presence is a positive indicator that our instincts will guide us toward fruitful ways forward.”
So, I must look at all my options. There’s no rush. I know it will work out the way it’s meant to, and I know I have all the help and guidance I need.
The final card, The Shaman of Foresight, reflects what I can learn from Spirit. The indicator tells me that spirit is going to be guiding my “Journeys”. The interpretation is:
"Taking Advice.The idea of being held captive strikes a chord. I was a prisoner of my own perceptions of the situation for most of my life. As a child, I had no choice, but as an adult I only thought I had no choice. Now, the choice is truly mine. I decide who to spend time with and how much time to spend with them. I decide where I will walk and when I will stay home. I am in control of my own destiny, and I have plenty of time to work through all the things I need to understand before committing to a plan of action.
Foresight enables us to find the way toward our own destiny. It takes us safely past obstacles or traps, beyond stormy seas into calmer waters. The Shaman of Foresight helps us to work on our expectations so that we are ready for whatever life throws at us. The image on this card shows the handprint enclosed in a cage: forsesight shows us how we may avoid such captivity in the first place.”
Again, the message seems to be not to rush, to be prepared, and that I am being led in the right direcdtion. I was going to try to write a first draft of that letter today, but now I know that I’m not ready. I feel much calmer and less frantic about the whole thing. When the time is right, I will right the letter, fine tune it, and then email it to my parents. I will set the appropriate boundaries with them - something I should have done years and years ago (this is an awareness I've had for a long time, which is probably part of why I feel so rushed, now) - and I will head into a new phase of my life.
A new beginning.
Having faced the possibility of never seeing my parents again, I am more comfortable with the notion of seeing them only on my terms. I only have to understand what my terms are and then I believe it will all fall into place.