************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Monday, April 19, 2010

Invisible Red Ink


Distress and
Full out fear
Hold back
They can’t see what is real
I am here
I am real
But invisible
Notice me!
Doesn’t help
Demanding attention
Doesn’t help

Anger and
Full out rage
Not fair!
What’s the point?
Fuck you!
Doesn’t help
Lashing out
Doesn’t help

Sadness and
Full out heartache
Don’t cry
If they come when you cry
It is meaningless
Won’t help
And a lump in my throat
Doesn’t help

I am worthy of love!
Don’t beg
I am not invisible!
Don’t want
If they would just push the film aside
They would see the world
For what it really is
They could see me
For what I really am
They would know
What they want and need and
They could step outside of

I want them to be with me
Because they want to be with me
I want to be worthy of their attention
I want them to notice me

Even when I am NOT being a bitch
I want them to see me

When I am NOT crying
I want them to spend time with me

Because it makes them happy
I want to be wanted
And seen
For what I really am
They could love me
If they tried


Oh I know what you'll say
It isn’t about me

But do you know why?
It can’t be about me
Because I am hidden

Behind a magic red film
And what I want to be
And do
And have
And what I am
Is written in invisible red ink


I am

Even here
Beneath the film of red
I still am
Even if no one knows
I am


When I was little, I had a magic book.

I don't know what it was called or even remember what it was about. What I remember is that on the left hand pages there was writing and on the right hand pages were pictures. In between each page, there was a thin, almost transparent sheet of red cellophane.

The magic was that part of each picture was drawn in the same red as the cellophane. When I looked at it through the red film, the red parts were invisible. Then, when I lifted the thin red film, I would be able to see all the red parts of the pictures. The entire picture would suddenly change and I could see it for what it really was, and always, the change was miraculous and wonderful.

Spending time with my family-of-origin, this past weekend, reminded me of that book. I've changed so much, and being with my family is different than it used to be. I look at them and know what they will do, how they will react in every situation. They all know their roles, and I am very aware of what my role is supposed to be, too.

The thing is, I don’t want to play my role, anymore. I am ad-libbing most of the time, now, it seems, but what is really frustrating is that nobody notices! They just run through their lines, like seasoned actors, and look at the world through a flimsy red curtain, and anything that doesn’t belong to the landscape they expect comes out in invisible red ink.


Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.