************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mirror Mirror

I slept last night. If I dreamt, I don’t remember. I woke up rested, with only an hour before it would be time to leave. If there is a word for how I felt, I don’t know it. Calm-excitement, peacefully-energized… Whatever I might call it, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be.

I ate and drank my coffee, still debating what to bring with me. The Rainbow Lady hadn’t asked me to bring anything, but I felt as if I should have something of mine there.

A connection to something... A comfort item... Some kind of symbol or representation of

I’d been thinking about it for days, and had vetoed every thought I had.

Fifteen minutes before I left home, I decided to draw cards. It was a spectacular draw.
Harmony, first.
"Let yourself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for you just around the corner. Nobody else can point it out to you, and when you find it you won't be able to find the words to express it to others. But it's there, deep within your heart, ripe and ready to be discovered."
Yes, that is definitely the issue of the day… harmony - with myself. And I have to figure it out myself. Interesting.
The internal influence – The Master
The Master the only card that has no number. The purple diamond of a Major Arcana sitting under the picture is the only designation.
"The Master in Zen is not a master over others, but a master of himself --and this self-mastery is reflected in his every gesture and his every word. He is not a teacher with a doctrine to impart, nor a supernatural messenger with a direct line to God, but simply one who has become a living example of the highest potential that lies within each and every human being. In the eyes of the Master, a disciple finds his own truth reflected. In the silence of the Master's presence, the disciple can fall more easily into the silence of his own being. The community of seekers that arises around a Master becomes an energy field that supports each unique individual in finding his or her own inner light. Once that light is found, the disciple comes to understand that the outer Master was just a catalyst, a device to provoke the awakening of the inner."

Divine guidance
The external influence was We Are The World
This is the fourth time I’ve drawn this card in the last four days. Four draws, and four times I had this card, and three of those times it was in this exact position – the external influence. Out of 79 cards… what are the odds?
"This card represents a time of communication, of sharing the riches that each of us brings to the whole."
What is needed for resolution? Nothingness.
Another Major Arcana
Drawing this card does not mean than nothing is needed… it means that there needs to be space, an opening, a place where there is room for something important to come in. That seemed exactly like what I needed – space for the missing pieces to return to.

The final card… the resolution… what would I get if I resolved this?
A third Major Arcana: Completion.
“Here, the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle is being put into its place, the position of the third eye, the place of inner perception.

Whatever has been absorbing your time and energy is now coming to an end. In completing it, you will be clearing the space for something new to begin. Use this interval to celebrate both - the end of the old and the coming of the new.”
Enough said.

I was very glad I’d drawn the cards. It felt as if all the signs were pointing in the same direction.
I decided to take the five cards I'd drawn, and the book with me. It was time to leave.

I was early. I parked a little ways away so I could walk a bit, but I was still early.
I paced in the lobby, went to peak at her door – slightly ajar.
What does that mean? Should I knock?
It was still a few minutes before eleven. I decided to wait.

It wasn’t long before she came out and found me. I followed her into the room, taking in the comfort of the space – white noise with soft birds’ sounds, sweet scented essential oils with floral undertones, soft light made softer as she pulled curtains over the window and  closed door.
She pulled a curtain over the doorway, making it feel safe... protected from the outside world.
She turned on soft music.
I moved cushions aside and sat in the deep couch, pulled the cards and book from my purse, and congratulated myself for not panicking.

I know how I am… in the car I was telling myself that I was going to “go for it.”
This is the exact phrase that had run through my head the day I did my Soul Declaration, back in November. Too often, I don’t make myself “go for it.” I hold back, I allow fear to keep me from saying what I want to say, being who I want to be.
I’d met the Rainbow Lady only once before, and I’d been tongue-tied and awkward as an eight-year-old. Here it was, only the “second date” and I was jumping into something that felt very personal and very important. The only way this was going to work was if I made myself do what I was going there to do – and that meant speaking up.

The soft light and the sense of being so separate from the rest of the world really helped. Even so, I was nervous as I first started to show her the cards I’d brought. I  asked her if she knew these cards.
She said she hadn’t seen this kind before… but she did have some other cards.
I’m still not sure what she thought of them, but she seemed receptive to what I was saying. She could tell I was excited about them, and she seemed to share my excitement. She said I could leave them where I'd set them out, if I liked.
I did.

Then she asked me some hard questions.
Maybe these would not be hard for everyone, but for me asking what makes me uncomfortable makes me very uncomfortable!
From what I’d written here about our first encounter, she gathered that I’d been uncomfortable with the long pauses. I would have to go back and see what I wrote… I don’t remember saying that, but most likely I did because I am uncomfortable with long pauses. I feel as if it is my job to fill them and that makes it hard to find any words inside my head except, "Say something!"
She asked if I had suggestions about the pauses... I didn't. There's no way not to leave space for people to say something, I guess... even if they have nothing to say. How can she know if I have anything to say if she doesn't leave space?

We also talked about how I’d reacted to the idea that, during the meditation, I would have to imagine going down ten flights of stairs. I know, my mind is pretty concrete about things, so that is probably part of why I felt a little panicky at that thought. In my mind, if I have to go down ten flights of stairs it means I am either up ten stories or I will have to descend ten levels underground. Neither of those appealed to me.

Maybe most people would not think about it so literally, but I think that is also part of my “hyper-vigilance” about knowing where I am. So many times I’ve awakened to find I didn’t know where I was, or even when I was… and I’ve felt responsible for myself since I was very young. These things make me feel as if it is important to know where I am, and if I am going to head down ten flights of steps, I guess I need a starting point.

She asked if the tower I’d created as a starting point, last time, felt safe.
I said yes.
Then she asked if I was ready.

She dimmed the lights more and then began to talk me down the flights of steps. Again, I glanced out the windows I found at each level. I think she said something about seeing a number, but I’m not certain. At any rate, a number appeared above the windows at each level, indicating what floor I was on.

At the bottom, I felt excited. I knew that the bench and the purple meadow were just outside the door. When I stepped outside, I could see the flowers, the bench and the woods beyond. It felt like coming home. I could smell the lavender. I could feel the sun. It was peaceful, and more perfect than reality could provide.

I sensed the deer just beyond the first trees – not just one, but several – but I could not see them. I understood they were going to stay back and let me find my own way, this time.

She said something...
A hill?
I knew there was no hill near the purple meadow. Regardless, just as the water that had appeared the last time I was in this idyllic space, I understood that there was now going to be a hill. I turned, and there it was, rising up behind the trees.
I followed a path to through the woods and then started up the hill.
A… crystal mountain?
This was harder. I felt so relaxed and calm that I didn’t panic, but I did wonder how a crystal mountain could suddenly be there –
But she said it would be there, and it appeared to be true. I reached the top of the hill, and saw a path leading up the side of a beautiful crystal mountain.

As I climbed the path, she had me put down a heavy backpack, and a little later, another pack. I can’t remember what they had in them… but it made perfect sense at the time. I left the packs behind and continued my ascent.

At the top, surrounded by enormous spires of crystal, there was a castle. When I looked beyond the mountain and the castle, nothing else seemed to exist – just an indigo sky. The castle walls were sturdy and thick. The door was huge, heavy, and strong. I looked at the pointed arch above my head, at the metal studs that lined the edges of the doorway…

whatever is behind this door is safe and secure.

Even so, I was sure the door would open, for me. I pushed it just a little, and it opened right up.
I waited to see what she would say next with quiet anticipation. This entire time, the excited-calm had stayed with me. Expectation – a child running down the stairs on Christmas morning – wrapped up in amazing peace.

And then she said,
"In this room, you’ll find a mirror."

I don't know why the idea scared me so much. I had a sudden nightmare sense -
the mirror won't be there
the mirror will be there
Why does that scare me so much?
The mirror appeared
An antique, full-length oval in a metal stand, right in the middle of the room

I edged towards the mirror...


  1. beautiful~~ sounds like it was a very pleasant and meaningful experience :)

  2. thanks Katie
    I haven't really gotten to the good part, yet... but it was.

  3. HI SHEN-

    I love where she took you - or perhaps you led her!! :-) Wonderful part of your journey.

    Love to you
    peace and hope for us all.....


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