************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Monday, June 29, 2009


Once upon a time, I lived in a place where it hurt too much to feel. Now that I'm beginning to feel, it's like living inside a tornado. Emotions swarm  and I have to decide which ones are appropriate to express. Because I am so inept at this, I try to deal with my emotions when I'm alone, but recently something has been coming up that I can't keep to myself. It is an intensified love for my kids and my husband.

I was really still a child when I met my husband, although I wouldn't have said so then. I was seventeen and he was at the sage old age of nineteen. And, he saved me. I had one foot out the door and the other in the grave. With no will to live and no good reason to die, I was floundering and waiting until I couldn't tread water any longer and could just give up.

And, oh yes, I am aware of how codependent we were in our need to save and be saved. To me it seemed like the magical fairy tale really was coming true.

Regardless, I've kept sturdy walls up between my real self and any other living thing, now allowing myself to experience the full presence of love for anyone.

Lately, I hear this phrase in my head all the time:

I love you.
It isn't sexual or physical at all, and it is definitely not the casual love one might put at the end of a letter. It's strong and innocent and it fills me up. It's startling. It comes from inside me, but to whom is it directed?
Sometimes it seems to be coming from me and to me
Sometimes it feels like it's intended for a Universal Power, which some call God
Sometimes it feels as if it's coming from God and is intended for me.
And then I suddenly find this little child inside and I am stuck again. Is this phrase from her? Is it for her?
Finally I settle on, all of the above.

The more I feel this love inside me, the more I want to express it to those around me. I'm still learning how to express my feeling. I just don't know how people do it.

But I gave it a shot. I know my husband would be amazed a the trepidation I felt as I readied myself to say the words I've said a million times, but to say them with full knowledge of their meaning and full presence to my heart. I said the words, and he said them back. Was there a moment of acknowledgement in his eyes? Did he feel something... different?

I feel as if I'm building a skyscraper with all the work I'm doing, and it may come tumbling down around me at any moment... but I can tell you, right at this moment, the view is awesome.


  1. How wonderful!!!!

    This is a big step. Of course the goal is to not be overcome by all the emotions. But the fact that you are having them means that inside there is trust. Because otherwise they would be walled off.

    I think you know that, hence the "I love you".

    So, hang in there and learn to soothe yourself.


  2. Oh dear one, what an encouraging post. As hard and very painful it is to not only understand what is going on inside, but the experience it totally is something all new to you! You are doing good Shen......

    ((((safe hugs))))

  3. Thank you both.
    It is a profound and human experience to feel so much.

    You are right about the trust. That is exactly what it is.

    Trust for myself, for God, and for the supportive framework I have been building around myself which is much stronger and safer than walls.

  4. i know what you mean. sometimes i feel like i'm bursting with love for my fellow humans. sometimes it's for a complete stranger. i'll look at someone and think about how they picked out that outfit today, maybe to try to look their best and feel good. each of us goes along, trying to take care as much as each of us can. sometimes it almost makes me want to cry. what really gets me is if i see someone's bag of groceries break, or if they're eating alone and they drop their tray of food on the floor on the way to the table.

    as for friends, yes, i remember when i started just telling my friends i loved them, like i would tell my mom or partner. of course it's a different level of love per person, but it's all love just the same.

    that's wonderful you're feeling love lately :)

    ~speaking of which, i gave you an award today on my blog. see my latest posting~


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Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.