I'm deleting the text of this post as I write it into my memoir. I decided to leave the two images I included in the post, and not delete it altogether. The reason for this is that I value the comments from my readers very much. The comments are still visible, at the bottom of the post.
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wow, your blog seems like a very good journaling, healing part of therapy. memory is such a tricky thing, i know from experience how real a memory can seem, but then there seems to often be a voice that asks if the memories are even real. i think part of this is common with abuse, because so often we had people trying to convince us that nothing bad was ever really happening and we were crazy if we thought it was. act happy, pretend like things are fine. these were unspoken rules in my house anyway.
ReplyDeleteand the sunflower dream sounds terrifying. maybe it's a memory? your therapist sounds very supportive. i'm glad you have that.
and i don't think it sounds silly at all to plant sunflowers in your garden. it might help you remember more. and you could always tear them out if it is upsetting. which might also be therapeutic :)
best wishes to you in your healing~
i am glad to pass by this way.. and hope that your healing will come gently.
ReplyDelete~Silver
from Reflections/
One Day at a Time
Mountainmama,
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and understanding. There was definately a "no talk" rule in our house. In addition, I was often told that things were just my imagination or a dream. I questioned my sanity more that what what happening at home.
I haven't planted the sunflowers yet... maybe next year. I am just not quite ready yet.
Silver,
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and your support.
yes, the minimization and denial in abusive households can make the child feel so crazy and wondering what is real. for me too, there was not just the wondering what was real. some things i didn't doubt had happened, but i questioned myself for thinking something was wrong with it. everything was accepted as normal and "no big deal" and "other people have it worse" kind of thing. so it was really validating when i finally was able to tell "safe" people about my life and they were shocked and definitely agreed i had legitimate complaints. i honestly felt like: yay, you agree this is traumatic! it made me feel so sane.
ReplyDeleteas for the sunflowers, i think one of the hardest things abuse survivors do in healing can be learning to trust our instincts. if you want or don't want to plant the flowers, either way it sounds like a good decision to me. :)
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ReplyDeleteif i have learnt anything, it will be to take just one tiny baby step a day..
ReplyDeletesunflowers in the garden sounds like courage to me.
http://dreamymoonlight.blogspot.com/
Shen, what an amazing way to journal. You have so much thougth and input. Be gentle with yourself dear one! Blessings!
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