************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Monday, May 24, 2010

Circular Illogic

What is this about?
           Like you don’t know.
going along as if everythings fine
Continue to shove this aside and pretend and deny there’s anything there.
(It’s something)
Of course it’s something.
its always something why cant it just stop

Because we need to talk about this. There is something unfinished about the ceremony.
[A sense of let down]
i did what I was supposed to do
          Like that matters.
I did everything right.
I did it for me
thats selfish
And so maybe I don’t deserve to ask anything more of others?

(But there is such a let down)
I did everything right.
           You said that.
(You are both repeating)
A lot of hard work and a real commitment to something important and it is only important to me, I guess, but it feels as if there should have been something more.

I should just be happy with what I am gaining.
These are the most important things.
Those are the things that make reality unimportant – at least as it’s seen on this planet.
          The true reality.
(And at least we can talk about it.)
Yes, but in a way this makes me feel different and alone.
Set apart.
(That’s my fault. I wanted it that way)
how else could it be?
          Yes, it’s how it had to be
(We agree on something)
Are we going to talk about this, or not?

It feels as if there should have been some kind of celebration.
You don’t want much, do you?
(Is it really too much to ask?)
Or at least recognition.

To make this feeling go away.
I don’t even know what that feeling is.
[There is a feeling of… what is that?]
Holding back, not wanting to share but doing it because it’s what’s expected.
          The feeling is the why.
its about i’m not going to tell you because you hurt me
(It’s about punishing others by withholding myself.)
My real self
          Push and pull
(Always so cryptic. It makes it hard to stay with this when you interject that stuff.)
          Fuck you
(that helps.)

It’s about wanting to share who I really am and not being able to and it feels hopeless – as if I will never be able to figure this out.
Maybe I’m not meant to.
Is it fear?
is it?
[More like anger]
More like a childish kind of “bite off your nose to spite your face” anger.
(It’s the - Do you want ice cream? - No, I’m angry at you - But you like ice cream - I don’t care, I don’t want anything from you - You’re only hurting yourself - Kind of anger)
And hurt is underneath
Anger is the other side of hurt
          You think you’re so wise.
Sometimes anger is the other side of fear, but this kind of anger is about hurt.
And maybe the fear of being hurt more?
Does it always have to be about fear?
If it is, then yes.

But it’s also about feeling hurt - and that’s why the tears are so close all the time.
i wanted the part that comes after a ceremony
(And I never expected that I would want it)
          I never even thought of it.
After a wedding, there’s the reception
and after the graduation there’s a dinner or something
You didn’t even go to your graduation.
i went to one
(That wasn’t yours)
          Seriously? That again?
(She gets no credit for that. She was never there!)
i was too little
          This is not helping anything

Even after a funeral there’s a gathering of some kind and it feels like…
kind of like honoring what happened or something
Yes, something like that.
Damn it, I hate feeling like this.
          Shall we have one more round of “anger is the other side of hurt?”
Why do you always have to be like that?
He wants to stop us from getting to what this is really about.

all these feelings just keep washing over me why dont you help me
I’m trying.
im pushing them away again its too hard
Pushing it away doesn’t do any good. You can’t push them far enough.
i don’t know how to cry about this anyway
(I don’t know what I’d be crying about)
but the tears are right there all the time
I hate that

Its so much easier to get lost in the syntax, the semantics, the limited meaning of spoken words, than it is to imagine – really picture and understand – what the conversation would be like.
Just thinking about it brings a feeling of closing up, of hiding.
(and sadness and of hiding that too)
Sometimes it feels like it would be a relief.
Maybe the tears are just waiting to feel that relief.
Yes – it’s as if I need to finally say all the things I feel and then I would feel that relief and the tears would not be about sadness or anger.
Or hurt-
Right. It would just be about relief, about letting go.

That’s what the ceremony was about.
i feel hurt that she left right after
          What good does that do?
(hedging – immediately)
It isn’t wrong for her to go – it isn’t her life
It isn’t her responsibility.
(True, but that doesn’t have anything to do with a FEELING!)
I have no right to expect – I have no right to ask – I have no right to hope
          You can’t tell her that
Why not? If that’s how it feels, why not?
it was so important to me and i wanted it to be important to her
          She never said it wasn’t.
she never said it was
(Really? I’d have to go back and check… but I bet she did.)
          She did.
i wanted someone to understand how important it was
(Who are you talking about, anyway? Do you even know?)
          That’s a good one. There seems to be constant confusion about that.
Great distraction.
[Why do you pick on her? Let her be.]
(It’s not “mommy”)
          That depends on who you ask.
(Can we get back to the issue?)
Can we even remember what that was?
Acknowledgement of a big step
There was acknowledgement – on the blog, in email
it isn’t the same to write it down
          Really? Since when?
It isn’t the same to send it off into cyberspace and wait for a word
(What word?)
          Now you’re being difficult. Who’s going to say that. “I acknowledge… blahblahblah”
That isn’t helping.
If I wanted to hear it then I have to say that. It’s my responsibility to bring up what I want to talk about.
          Yeah like some damn business transaction.
Why do you always have to be like that?

This is impossible. No wonder I don’t even know what I feel. It’s such a confusing mess in here and there’s nowhere else to go.
it was just over
(what did you expect?)
And then I drove home.
And went back to exactly how it’s always been.
No, you can see a lot of change.
          Even this conversation is change.
(It sucked to get home and find it was just over.
[“How did it go?” “Perfectly.”]
          What else was there to say? Why is that not enough?
I still haven’t unpacked my suitcase.
i cant even look at it
And the all-important jar still sits where I put it the day I carried it home.
No place of honor
No recognition
          Get over it!
(Yeah, fine.)
          It’s just over now get on with your life

Well, that was it.
Here they come.
          Seriously? Now you’re going to cry about it?
(About what?!)
(I knew it was there.)
          Does it help?
It’s a drop in the bucket

Yes. There is so much more.
Fear of not being loved as much as I love
Yes – the hurt is the sadness.
And the anger.
(You already said that.)
Anger isn’t always about fear, it is also about hurt.
          One more time!
(Don’t you think you’ve said enough?)
Not even close. I haven't said anything.
          You rarely do.
I don't know how to in the future.
Oh, here we go. Are we going to have THAT discussion again?
you are supposed to talk it isn’t my job
I don’t know what to say. My mouth is silent and if I imagine saying what I really want to say—
(Want to say?? Really?)
— I close up, my mind becomes fuzzy. The thoughts are gone and I’m only left with the feelings.
Sick stomach
A sense of giving up - This is all there is - Don’t expect more.
it isnt important
(it’s hard to hold on to)
Already, I can’t remember what I’ve written… and I know if I go back and read it, it will be a surprise and it will make me cry again and then it will be gone.
And it feels so pointless.
          Is that another excuse?
(Another reason not to try.)

It’s a waste of time to go in there if I don’t say what I need to say.
          Fine. Cancel.
When I try to throw blankets over the whole mess and talk about something else, the blankets cover everything else, too. It is the cause of that fogginess in my head.
          Thank you, oh wise one.
And most interesting of all is that when I force myself to write the words I can’t say, only this comes out. The strongest feeling, the one that is most overwhelming is unmentionable.
if you say that it makes all the rest even harder because then she knows
          She already knows.
Then she wins.

I would like to stop looking at everything as a competition.
(nobody wins the way it is now)
          This is so pointless.


  1. The rapid succession of a chain of thoughts is challenging to stop in its tracks, let alone keep up with sometimes. Still amidst the confusion, you've managed to tease out some important issues here Shen. Cool dialogue.

  2. ((((Shen))))

    Sounds like there is a lot going on with your emotions and thoughts. Going in a swirl. This is such a tough place to be. For me, it would be even more difficult not to allow myself to cry. I've done this many times. Take care of yourself


  3. L - the thoughts in such a hurry I couldn't even write them all. But as you said, I did tease out some of it. Thanks for reading.

    Clueless - I'll take that hug. I'm so bad at asking for them, it's a pleasure when one is freely given. Thank you.

    Michael - thank you. Honestly, I'm proud of me too... when I'm not busy beating myself up. I wish I could speak the words out loud that are in my head. It was a hard therapy session for me today because she tried to get me to say things out loud and I couldn't. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't say anything even when I knew she already knew what I would say - if I could have said it.

    That's a mouthful right there.

    so easy on the keyboard

  4. Wow. Sounds like "the committee" that sometimes takes up residence in my head.

    Is there aspirin for that? How 'bout a hug. Here's one: ((((hug))))

  5. Am I totally off in thinking that what you are hungering for is community? After a wedding, after a funeral, the community gathers.

    Blogs are nice, but on a blog the writer sets the agenda. In a community there are people with shared concerns talking back and forth building on and caring for each other's agendas.

    If so, I'd like to make a suggestion of a couple of on-line communities of survivors that you might want to check out. What I like about these is that they are as much about finding meaning and taking action as they are about healing:

    Resurrection After Rape: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/resurrection-after-rape

    Angela's Army of Angels: http://www.armyofangels.net/

  6. Hi Elizabeth,
    thanks for coming by.

    I'm responding to this in my next post.


Please feel free to leave your thoughts in a comment.

Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.