************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Awakening Child

Have you imagined it?
I have.
I suppose it’s become a kind of a legend. We’ve all heard the stories, although I’d be surprised if I ever met anyone who actually knew someone this happened to. It’s terrifying in a primeval way that I don’t really understand, and that is exactly the kind of thing that legends are made of.

I am speaking of the long term coma victim who finally awakens after decades have gone by, and finds the world to be a different place.

Imagine for a moment, you have fallen asleep at age twelve and then you wake up to find you are more than fifty years old.

This is what I am feeling, inside, at this moment. For several weeks a part of me has been gradually regaining consciousness. Although, throughout my life, she has sometimes stepped up when she was needed, for her it has been as if in a dream. While she was able to be the face of anger inside me, the protector who would go to any length to make sure I am safe, she has remained a twelve-year-old child...
And at the same time, she has never been a child.

What do I say to this twelve-year-old who has missed so much? How can I comfort her? How can I get her to a place where she can accept that she is now not only an adult, but an aging one whose has children who are mostly grown and a thirty-plus-year relationship with a man who is over fifty, as well?

The twelve-year-old began to show herself at the Soul Retrieval, but she was only testing the waters. She stepped forward and spoke to the Rainbow Lady of things we had already talked to our regular therapist about, months earlier. Since then, she has been awake more and more often.

I really was not aware of much the twelve-year-old said to the Rainbow Lady, at the time of the Soul Retrieval.  So I asked her about it in an email. This is part of her reply:

I believe it was during the 3rd soul retrieval process when you were working on the time that your 12-year old stopped playing the piano. The old, false conclusion that you had was that if people found out what you were really like, they would stop liking you, and that "I am not the way I should be." The old limiting behavior that you developed from that was "don't let them know what I'm like, don't share anything." I asked, "How does that hurt you?". You said, "Lots of ways - nobody else shares anything either."
I asked, "How does that behavior hurt others?" You said, "I have something to offer and they don't get it."

I think that you felt these old these old conclusions and behaviors had come from your father (although that specific information is not in my notes.) Does this feel like what you were remembering and asking about?
Reading the words she had put down in quotes was unimaginably fascinating to me. It was like eavesdropping on a conversation between others because I had no memory of having said those things. I know at the end she had me write down all the new beliefs we had established during the session, but some of them were truly new to me as I did not remember having discussed them with her during that session.

That's because in the past, if the twelve-year-old was awake, I was not. Only now am I experiencing a little bit of co-consciousness with the angry adolescent for the first time.


  1. The Rip Van Winkle Effect.

    I am working on swimming across a lake. I am going with I can be just as much fun as if I was 9. It will not be the same as when I was 9. It can be just as much fun.

  2. Rip Van Winkle is the first thing I thought of, too.

    Through recovery, I've learned to accept what is, and not what if. Acceptance just makes it easier on me. But we all get there in our own way and in our own time. Even 12-year olds, eventually.

    I will keep you "both" in my prayers. Hugs.

  3. It is not only looking at your 12 year old in a different way, but learning how to comfort her and take care of her because she should have had that. Take care.

  4. This post has really resonated with me in so many ways. It feels to me that all the parts of me are being awakened. All very scary to me.

    Something clicked into place for me when I read what you wrote about the 12 year old protector. I will have to think about it further but I'm sure that it will explain some things that have been going on for me.

    I hope that your appointment went well.

  5. Michael - I love this. It influenced my evening yesterday, reading this comment yesterday afternoon.

    Kathy - I hadn't thought of Rip an Winkle, but you both did. It does seem rather obvious now that you mention it. Thank you for the prayers and support

    clueless - you are exactly right. We did the "needs meeting" yesterday, which is part of the DNMS process. During this stage of the process C asks the part which needs were not met and then asks if the "child" thinkgs the "adult me" can meet those needs now. One at a time we go over every need the child had - and sometimes we repeat them, and then repeat them, and then repeat them until the child "gets it".

    Thanks for coming by Lost, yes, the appointment went really well. I feel a million times better.

  6. hi shen~ i'm so happy for you and the twelve year old that you are getting closer to one another. it sounds very healing and empowering for you both.

    i can really relate to the twelve year old (does she have a name, by the way?) i feel that anger too, that protective feeling. and i feel it especially in response to other people being harmed. i can't get angry for myself hardly at all, or i'm not in touch with it. but i remember being an extremely angry child, and around the age of puberty i lost the ability to outwardly express anger. that must have been around twelve for me too. the way it happened for me, as i understand it, was that at some level i decided it wasn't safe or ok for me to express anger outside anymore. so i stopped altogether. but it went somewhere, it started going inwards, and i directed it at myself. and if i was angry with someone else, it could come out sideways, but never clearly or healthily.

    i don't know if any of this is relevant to you, but you writing about her and her feelings of wanting to keep the anger, because it sounds like it helps her feel alive, makes sense to me. it feels very familiar...

    anyway, safe hugs to you both. i'm glad therapy went well! :)

  7. Fascinating post. I think as we heal, if we are lucky, we get to experience leaps of awareness.

    I wrote about something similar here, which you may appreciate:


  8. Katie, thanks for commenting. My twelve-year-old doesn't have a name, I guess... I mean, when I sign emails and letters, I always sign with just
    and it's because I'm never sure what name to write. Am I Sharon? Am I Shen? Am I something in between or someone else altogher?
    It's so interesting that you asked me that right now because the name I had in mind before you asked came up for me, but made no sense - so I discarded it. Maybe I need to look at that again.
    I don't know why this name would be "me" but the name was Allison.

    Paul, thanks. I will read the post you linked to.


Please feel free to leave your thoughts in a comment.

Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.