************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Saturday, August 15, 2009


It's been difficult few days.
My son left today, to head back to college. I have been dreading it. In a way, it seems strange that it's worse this year than last, when his absence was new. In another way it makes perfect sense. I have opened up to so much more of my own emotions in the last year, that I seem to feel everything  intensely and I don't yet know what to do with it all. I never dealt with stuff like this before. I used to dissociate and leave and come back when it was over...

I don't know what to do when I feel like this. I hide, distract myself, and take way too much Ativan and Xanax for my liking. I had them lined up on my nightstand last night, took one, then the other, then the first again, until I finally fell asleep. I know it's too much, and I knew it then, but I just didn't care. I wanted to make this pain go away.

We bring children into the world, small and helpless and perfect. We work so hard to bring them to the point where they are strong and can take care of themselves, and to keep a little bit of that perfection there - even if we're the only ones who can still see it. Then - it's time for them to go out into the world, away, on their own and I selfishly want them back. I want my little ones back where I can hold them and play with them and tuck them in at night. I want one kiss to make it all better. I want to hear that laughter when I tickle them. I want to bundle them up in a towel after a bath and feel them relax against me.

and it seems as if I'm not even supposed to want it because what is happening is right and good and exactly what is supposed to happen.

I don't know how people do it and yet, here I am, doing it.


  1. Perhaps your are processing, Seemed so to me in what you wrote.

    I so hate the I have to be sad before I can be happy. Stupid if you ask me and I do not like it.

    Grieving is hard work and hard to learn to do when one never had the chance.

    Both my daughters have graduated from college. There is still so much love there. It is different to be sure.

    If you go to my profile and click on My Web site I do believe you will get to my blog. If not the link is http://dayodayo.wordpress.com/

  2. I hate to read the part where you said: "...and take way too much ativan and xanax. I had em lined up on my nightstand last night, took one, then the other, then the first again, until I finally fell asleep. I know it's too much, but I just didn't care. I wanted to make this pain go away, somehow."

    I hope you can get past that-- but I have no clue as to how you can do that.

  3. Thank you Michael. It is hard. C tells me that I do know how. I really thought I didn't know, but she reminded me that when my children were little I knew how to comfort them. So, I should be able to comfort myself. I think the trick is to feel like I am deserving of comfort. I'm getting there.
    I found your blog. Thanks for the link.

    Tricia, I know, and I'm sorry, I am trying not to add insult to injury by beating myself up over my careless behavior. I hate to read it too. I need to make a promise to myself that I can keep about meds like that.

    At one point, I had a lot of pills around and it was a constant battle. C convinced me, over a year ago, to throw them all away. Then my Pdoc gave me ativan, which I really don't like at all. Since I wasn't using it (a good tool, according to him) because of the side effects, he gave me xanax. He does not see me as a risk, but to be fair, I haven't been completely honest with him, either.
    The result is that I have a lot of pills around again.
    The day I threw them all away I thought that was the end of it. I've been so much better for so long, but this weekend showed me that I have to do something more than I have been doing.

    Even so, I am hesitant to discuss it with C. I'm not even sure why. I haven't told her about how much ativan and xanax I took the other night, even though we have been in contact a lot the last few days. I see her tomorrow, but I don't know that I want to tell her.

    thanks for reading and for your concern. I'm sure I will be fine. I always am.

  4. My son will soon be returning to university for his 3rd year and I feel the same way,

  5. it definitely sounds like you are grieving your children's growing up. that you love them so much and are a good mother feel inherent in your words. some parents can't wait for their kids to leave home and repurpose the kids rooms asap.

    the good thing about your feelings it seems to me is that they show your ability to attach to and love your kids. life is different now with them living elsewhere to be sure. it it a new stage of life, both for them and for you. i expect time will ease your pain and you are right that the fact that you can feel things moe deeply these days, though immensely difficult at times, is a good thing. it does not mean the pain will last forever, although i know there are moments it feels that way.

    you have love in your heart and apparently you did a great job with them too as even grown up, they still want to come home to visit you :) that is my hope one day with my own child. that even when she's grown, she'll still want me around.

    ~~hugs to you in this difficult time~~

  6. Shen, I am sorry for the pain and longing you are having....

  7. JBR, thank you. I'm going to get through it. It's just hard right now. I appreciate the support.

    MMM, thank you for pointing out the good. I need those reminders. I still have two kids at home, one a senior in high school and one going into eighth grade. I am glad to have them, but achingly aware that I will have to go through this two more times, and one of them quite soon.
    But I'm doing a little better. I told C about my issues with xanax and ativan this past weekend. We talked about it and she gave me some suggestions. I'm still thinking about what I'm going to do. I know I need to do something, deal with this, but for some reason I am fighting it. Some part of me really does not want to throw the meds away. She said maybe throw away most of them and keep only a few pills in case I need them. I know she is right, that would be wise, but I can't make myself do it.
    But I did at least tell her, and that was a big step.

  8. Drifter, sorry I missed you in my responses. I guess I am not alone in my feelings. It's hard, isn't it? I mean, they are doing what they are meant to be doing, but it is still taking them away from us. That's what makes it feel as if I don't have a right to feel this way. I should be happy for them, and I am, but I am still sad for me.

  9. good for you for telling your therapist~ that sounds like it took a lot of bravery. not telling her seems like it would have reinforced the idea that you are doing something shameful, feeling the need to hide your actions. but you are not doing something wrong. you are trying to take care of yourself. and now you would like to be able to care for yourself without the pills' help. i can see how throwing away the pills would be scary. i suppose finding a way to just not need the pills, or not think you need them will be the way to go. to realize that you don't need anything "outside yourself" in order to feel better, calmer, be able to sleep, etc. you can do this. you are very strong and wise and do so much to care for yourself, you can do this too~

  10. I am sorry you did the excess pill thing. DId you sleep the next day? The important thing to look at there is what you thought afterwards. If you felt it was dangerous, then that's good. If you didn't care, then that's not so good. Healing thoughts... Paul.

  11. ((((Shen))))
    Thinking about you....

  12. MMM, thank you for the recognition about telling my therapist. It was a big deal for me.

    Paul, no, I didn't sleep the next day. I was too wired from all the anxiety I was feeling. I know it was dangerous... and I really thought I was beyond that kind of behavior. It scared me because I wonder if I will ever be fully beyond it.

    JBR, thanks


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