************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Fall From Trust's Tower

Butterfly bestowed
Upon a Shining Scarab
A lovely gift
A deserved gift

A gift I wanted for my own

Deplorable and useless
Brings a stormy dream in which
Butterfly and Shining Scarab
Laugh at me behind my back

With great difficulty
I turn away from the delusion
Spoiled leftovers of the distant past

I come to understand
The issue is only with myself
And I think Now, I can confess

But before that
Shining Scarab
Loved and gentle one
Happened upon my anger

From envy’s nightmare
My wounded child screamed,
Why does Butterfly choose you?
Does she love you more?
Does she see something in you that is lacking in me?
Does she only pretend when she tells me I’m worthy?

I claimed disappointment while knowing I was disappointment

Hope’s companion
Without it, I existed safely inside my barren cage
So familiar
So empty
I ventured to hold it's extended hand
And let it carry me high

How far I fell

Still, I held hope
That at least Butterfly was spared

But Scarab
Shining Scarab
You told Butterfly all about
My fury
My ugly envy
And my claimed disappointment

And Butterfly, in turn,
unleashed on me
Her own angry child
A torrent of projections
And unrelenting preconceptions
Sending me
Into the abyss once more


  1. This is painfully beautiful! (if there is such a thing...) Take care.

  2. I know you will pull through this, too, Shen! It's part of the process, going through the dips and this last one was a biggie!

  3. That's a fabulous piece of writing Shen.

    Envy and disaapointment and perhaps betrayal are really difficult. I hope that you have the support you need as you work through this stuff.

  4. Misunderstandings and unresolved conflict bring up so much shame for me (and I'm guessing most survivors of sexual abuse are the same). The experience of trust betrayed feels devastating, and it's taken a lot of time and healing for me not to always blame myself when this has happened. Your writing is poignant and touching. Writing is such a good outlet for expressing and processing strong emotions and difficult events. Sending you gentle hugs.

  5. thank you all.
    A lot of emotions today...
    Katrina, I really appreciate what you say about self-blame. I really did assume, immediately, as my friend began her angry outburst, that I was totally at fault. I told her she was right, I was wrong, and apologized and asked what more she wanted when her barrage went on... and on.

    The thing is, this whole things was set off by a series of emails, back in May, and I went back and reread them all... I really didn't say anything very offensive. I was angry, and my tone was not perfect because of that, but it was far less offensive than I remembered, or expected after feeling the anger she had for me.

    I know very well that a lot of her (the "butterfly") anger was related to her own past issues. She repeatedly told me I was being "just like" her mother and her sister. I understand how intense projections like that can feel.

    I would like to be able to resolve this, but I am coming to see that I have once again assumed ALL responsibility when in fact it was not all mine.

    It's painful in many ways - a big loss - but also painful to watch her melt down like that because I know what it feels like after a meltdown like that.

    Anyway - once again, thanks all for the support.


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Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.