Butterfly bestowed
Upon a Shining Scarab
A lovely gift
A deserved gift
A gift I wanted for my own
Jealousy
Deplorable and useless
Brings a stormy dream in which
Butterfly and Shining Scarab
Laugh at me behind my back
With great difficulty
I turn away from the delusion
Spoiled leftovers of the distant past
I come to understand
The issue is only with myself
And I think Now, I can confess
But before that
Shining Scarab
Loved and gentle one
Loved and gentle one
Happened upon my anger
From envy’s nightmare
My wounded child screamed,
Why does Butterfly choose you?
Why does Butterfly choose you?
Does she love you more?
Does she see something in you that is lacking in me?
Does she only pretend when she tells me I’m worthy?
Does she see something in you that is lacking in me?
Does she only pretend when she tells me I’m worthy?
I claimed disappointment while knowing I was disappointment
Trust
Hope’s companion
Without it, I existed safely inside my barren cage
So familiar
So empty
I ventured to hold it's extended hand
And let it carry me high
How far I fell
Still, I held hope
Still, I held hope
That at least Butterfly was spared
But Scarab
Shining Scarab
Shining Scarab
You told Butterfly all about
My fury
My ugly envy
And my claimed disappointment
And Butterfly, in turn,
unleashed on me
Her own angry child
A torrent of projections
And unrelenting preconceptions
Sending me
Spiraling
Into the abyss once more
Posts
This is painfully beautiful! (if there is such a thing...) Take care.
ReplyDeleteI know you will pull through this, too, Shen! It's part of the process, going through the dips and this last one was a biggie!
ReplyDeleteSafe hugs to you Shen.
ReplyDeleteThat's a fabulous piece of writing Shen.
ReplyDeleteEnvy and disaapointment and perhaps betrayal are really difficult. I hope that you have the support you need as you work through this stuff.
Misunderstandings and unresolved conflict bring up so much shame for me (and I'm guessing most survivors of sexual abuse are the same). The experience of trust betrayed feels devastating, and it's taken a lot of time and healing for me not to always blame myself when this has happened. Your writing is poignant and touching. Writing is such a good outlet for expressing and processing strong emotions and difficult events. Sending you gentle hugs.
ReplyDeletethank you all.
ReplyDeleteA lot of emotions today...
Katrina, I really appreciate what you say about self-blame. I really did assume, immediately, as my friend began her angry outburst, that I was totally at fault. I told her she was right, I was wrong, and apologized and asked what more she wanted when her barrage went on... and on.
The thing is, this whole things was set off by a series of emails, back in May, and I went back and reread them all... I really didn't say anything very offensive. I was angry, and my tone was not perfect because of that, but it was far less offensive than I remembered, or expected after feeling the anger she had for me.
I know very well that a lot of her (the "butterfly") anger was related to her own past issues. She repeatedly told me I was being "just like" her mother and her sister. I understand how intense projections like that can feel.
I would like to be able to resolve this, but I am coming to see that I have once again assumed ALL responsibility when in fact it was not all mine.
It's painful in many ways - a big loss - but also painful to watch her melt down like that because I know what it feels like after a meltdown like that.
Anyway - once again, thanks all for the support.