************************************Denial covers the pain of the past * A blanket over the world * Lift a corner * Don't be afraid * Your life awaits you*************************************

Monday, May 5, 2014

How Little Choice I Had

This is a journal entry I posted here in 2009. I took it down a couple of years ago when I completed the first edit of "Through the Tiger's Door." Last night, I completely another edit, cutting about ten thousand words to make it more marketable.

Mostly, that was done by tightening it up, but there were a few things I cut that really gave me a twinge. This journal entry is one of those things. Because most of what's in it is said in other ways within the book, I decided this rather long and poetic piece was not really necessary.

Journal, September 17th 2008

Sixteen and cold, waiting for a bus
Accepting a ride
Glad for any attention
“I’ll be careful, I promise”
How little I understood about the world
Getting high on the bus
Getting my period on my 17th birthday
“I’ll be careful this time”
The next month coming and going
The counselor at school I almost told
His words:
“I was hoping this would happen.”
Did I drop that acid after I got pregnant?
A few boxes carrying all my life
Writing that note
Taking a last look around
Being very quiet
Closing the front door
Waiting on the porch
The apartment
So much promise
Him leaving for work
I’ll keep you safe
We’ll get married
Thinking of names
Painting a rainbow in the little room
“We’ll lose our security deposit”
Holding the phone in my hand
Knowing I had to call
Dialing twice and hanging up
Mom’s voice
What they wanted me to be
“I would have liked to have been at your wedding”
What I felt I was
“We never got married.”
What would never be
“Then there’s still hope.”
My father’s face
What he said:
“We are not going to help you raise your bastard child”
My brother telling me it was okay
Wishing he didn’t know
Pleading with Mom, but only with my eyes
I wasn’t okay
Wishing my sister would take me to California
Wishing I was invisible
“You still have options.”
The ugly word I still can’t say
“Do you want me to come in with you?”
Not wanting them to see
Now wanting to know
The nurse holding my hand
“We’re almost finished”
Anger and helplessness
Sadness and hopelessness
Not crying out so Mom wouldn’t hear
Wanting to die
Throwing up on the sidewalk
My sister sleeping next to me
“It’s all over now.”
Waking up empty
It would never be over
My sister's words:
“I’m expecting.”
My pain at her joy
Intensified guilt
Her taking me to school
Hugging me in the hall
Looking at the money I’d stolen from her purse
Knowing I was awful
Knowing it didn’t matter 
Knowing there was nothing worse I could do
Buying as much coke as I could
Doing it all in the bathroom
The girl in the bathroom who asked if I was okay
“I don’t think I’ve ever been okay”
Lying in the grass at the park
Wishing I could
Throwing up the pills I took
Failing even at dying
Billboards with unborn children
“A beating heart is a life”
A perfect baby that never was
My perfect daughter, when she was born
So many choices we have to make
How little choice I really had

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Co Creation

Co Creation
We create the life we live

Love your inner child...

...for she holds the key...

...to your personal power.
A lesson is woven into each day.
Together they make up the tapestries of our lives.